Knowing You...

Allow me to open the curtain for you on a day in the life of Heather post-treatment:

The week right after treatment is never any fun. This week has been no exception, but I was determined that it wouldn't stop me from doing what is most important to me. I forfeited my birthday this weekend because I wasn't feeling well (no big deal... I just made plans for next weekend instead), but I wasn't about to forfeit going to church. My body had other ideas in mind this morning, but I just wasn't listening. I was bound and determined to make it to church! Even if it meant that I had to sit down in my bedroom three times before I could get downstairs (and I did)... even if it meant that I had to sit down on the steps right outside my kitchen door before I could walk across the street (and I did)... I was getting myself to church! I was prepared to sit down in the middle of the street if came down to it (though, thankfully, I didn't have to do that)!

All I want is to feel well enough to do the things I want to do... and this morning, that thing was church! You see, after treatment, my white blood cell and red blood cell counts go very low. This results in feelings of exhaustion, light-headedness, and a complete inability to do much of anything (note: this sentence might just be the understatement of the year). Just walking across the street becomes a workout that makes me almost pass out. It's ridiculous!

As I walked into church this morning, I was feeling so frustrated that I didn't have the energy to really "be there." Immediately upon walking in the door, I saw a couple of very dear friends (an old Youth Group graduate and her husband), but I couldn't even muster up the simple energy to show my excitement over seeing them. I'm sure I looked absolutely horrible when I sat down because another one of my Youth Group graduates told me that he wished he could carry me back and forth, so I wouldn't have to walk to church on my own. How pathetic must I have looked for him to say that?!? Church began and I couldn't even stay standing through the opening hymn! My frustration was definitely building, but as much as it was upsetting me, I was bent on trying to just stay thankful for simply being there worshiping with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I fought my way through the service, just trying my best to stay focused even though I was feeling drugged and just wanted to go lay down to get rid of the feeling that I was going to pass out. My frustration continued to build when I didn't even have the ability to simply sing out loud during worship. I was grateful that I had listened to a message on what makes true worship this morning before church. It came in handy as I reminded myself that true worship isn't style, but substance. I kept telling myself that, even though I couldn't get the words out, God knew my heart and my heart was still worshiping! I was starting to feel a little bit better...

...Then the song came. It's one we've sung in church probably hundreds of times. It's one that's always meant something very special to me. Yet today, it took on a whole new meaning as I sat there battling my way through worship:


Knowing You

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know You more
To be found in You and know as Yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Oh to know the power of Your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like You in Your death, my Lord
So with You to live and never die

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord


As I did my best to sing this song along with the rest of the congregation, I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. The words I had sung hundreds of times before suddenly became real to me in a new way. Truly, all I once thought gain I have now counted as loss. All I once built my life upon suddenly doesn't matter anymore. When everything else is stripped away, the only thing that matters is knowing Jesus. He suffered more than I could know and gave everything to give me eternal life. How could my one desire not be to know him more?

Yet, how do we come to know him more if we don't go through some very deep valleys? How would I have come to cherish worship as much as I did this morning if I hadn't had to fight my way there in the first place? In this life, it is far too easy to take things for granted... and it is far too easy to get caught up in that which simply does not matter. Dealing with something as major as cancer has been the most difficult thing I've faced in this life, yet it has been a blessing. Yes... you read that right... cancer has been a blessing. It has helped me to start stripping away all that extra veneer, even those things that were good, and focus in on what is really best. I now count myself tremendously blessed simply to know God, to be loved by him, and to be able to worship him freely.

Cancer has taught me a lot. I've learned to not be so aggravated by little things like bad traffic and scheduling mishaps. I've learned to reconsider my priorities and strive to live each day with a focus on what God thinks is important, not what I think is important. I've learned that there is precious little of real value in this life and I am thankful to simply be able to cling to those truly important things.

Here's the reality: No matter what it takes, no matter how much I have to struggle or suffer, all that matters is that I know Jesus more. It doesn't matter what I have to go through to get there; it only matters that I do. My prayer is that I will continue to know him more deeply through this journey with cancer... and I'm sure that God will continue to answer that prayer in wonderful (though sometimes painful and difficult) ways!