Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Still Struggling with a Funk

I've once again found myself at the end of my emotional rope. Thank God his rope has always proven to be way longer than mine!

The past few days have unexpectedly been really difficult for me... not because of the cancer or even the treatment (though I did push myself way too far physically yesterday, which didn't help matters). A totally random thing surprisingly spun me into a funk and I'm just really having a difficult time emotionally again. Certainly, I know the perspective I should have (just read my last blog)... but yet even after that, I still find my heart breaking within my chest anyway.

It seems that going through this time of trial has kicked up some things in my mind that I think I always pushed to the background before. I'm sure it has to do with the whole priority shift that happens when you receive a major diagnosis like this. I'm sure that it's all part of the emotional roller coaster, too, just the typical ups and downs. In fact, I'm sure that it's all stuff I'll learn and grow from in time... but it's still hard to go through in the moment. I want a break. I want a rest. I want all of this to finally be done and over already!

But, for today, it's not over. For today, I'm still smack in the middle of this whole thing, so I can only assume that God still has some things for me to learn through this trial. He's just not done with me yet!

When I'm down like this, I'm glad that the Lord always seems to speak to my heart in some way. He always comes through with what I need to hear - maybe not in my desired timing, but he always comes through. Today, I found a precious invitation to find my comfort in him through a song, whose lyrics were written in a book I'm reading:

I Am
by Jill Phillips

Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a Mother while you rest.
The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through Past, the same in Future,
Same Today.

Oh weary, tired and worn
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
'Cause Mine is light.
I know you through and through
There's no need to hide.
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide.

For I am constant.
I am near.
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears.
I am holy.
I am wise.
I'm the only One, who knows your heart's desires.

Oh gently lay your head upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a Mother
While you rest.

Thank you, God, that you know the secret pains and yearnings of my heart - those things I can't even bring myself to write down or speak out loud. Thank you that you still love me deeply. Thank you that you long to be my comfort and my healer, even when I struggle to turn to you first... and thank you for pursuing me still.

Psalm 62:5 ~ "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him."

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