I'm sitting in the infusion center staring once again down the long hill of the upcoming week. Even with seeing God answer prayer and work in such an amazing way with a large medical bill being written off just last week, I still find myself struggling to accept the path he has laid out ahead me.
I don't want to feel drugged. I don't want to feel sick. I don't want to feel sore and worn out. I don't want to spend the next couple weeks having to deal with my body not working the way it should!
My body is starting to really feel the cumulative effects of continued treatment and it's all just getting old. I'm tired and... as much as I know my God is right here wrapping his arms around me, carrying me through, answering prayer, and giving me grace and strength to face each day... I still get enveloped by the difficulty of treatment and I end up crying out to him because I don't feel his presence through the low times.
The following is a song that mirrors how I feel during these times:
Hold My Heart
by Tenth Avenue North
How long must I pray, must I pray to you?
How long must I wait, must I wait for you?
How long 'till I see Your face, see you shining through?
I'm on my knees begging you to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are,
Would you come close and hold my heart?
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why
Cause I'm on my knees begging you to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are,
Would you come close and hold my heart?
So many questions without answers; Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances, to hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are,
Would you come close and hold my heart?
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.
Thank you, God, that even when I don't feel it, I know you are right here with me. I know that through the clouds of doubt and difficulty, your promises remain. Thank you. They are all I have to cling to this week...
I'll post again when I'm feeling better.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Heather,
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog while I was trying to google the words for the song Closer to Love (one phone call from our knees). It brought me to your post about your first phone call.
Three years ago I woke up from exploratory surgery to hear "you have ovarian cancer". So although my experience wasn't exactly a phone call, it did bring me to my knees. Now so often I am waiting for the phone call with test results - the call that can bring me to my knees.
I have read through some of your blog but was not able to read all of it. It hits so close to home for me that I had to stop reading. We are so alike. I read your latest entry about being tired of the treatment and the cumulative effects. I can so completely understand that.
Although I'm so happy about how God has used me throughout this journey and how much I have grown, there are days that I am just tired. I just want to be "normal" again.
Just wanted to let you know that a fellow cancer survivor/fighter is praying for you.
Kristi Rogalske
Holland, Michigan
Heather, I want you to know, you are in my prayers. I know it is so hard, but you amaze me, how through these tough times, you look upon God. Trust me, I know even that is hard at times also.
ReplyDeleteOne thing to keep in mind, is the end is almost near! You are almost done all this, and you will be able to go on that trip you mentioned before!
I miss a long talks at ESU, and I miss you.
Please keep your eyes on God, and on the end of this terrible time.
meg