Friday, April 24, 2009


This whole situation has been an emotional roller coaster ride from the start. I’ve been up and down and all over the place, but that’s to be expected. Some days I feel perfectly normal. Some days I feel completely defective. Some days I’m confident that I’ll see total victory in good time. Some days I feel like I’ll never overcome this. Some days my faith is strong. Some days it’s weak. It’s a tough journey in a lot of ways and it’s easy to be overwhelmed by all the negatives and forget the positives.

Take, for example, my current struggle with the amount of debt I’m incurring. If you boil it down to bare bones, it feels like I’ve only got two options ahead of me: either I don’t make it out of this alive… or I come out of it with my health intact and the bonus of tons of debt in tow. Though I don’t begrudge heaven, I’m not sure I’m ready to welcome either of those choices at this point in my life. I still have a lot of living I'd like to do!

Of course, I realize that I’m forgetting that there is a door number three in that scenario. God is just as much the Great Financier as he is the Great Physician. He is powerful enough to take care of both my physical and financial needs in ways I may never expect. Besides, if I say that I trust him, I must trust him in every single area of my life. If I say that I trust him, but I hold back on one part, then I don’t really trust him at all. So, the question becomes… do I really trust him? Can I be satisfied with whatever comes my way knowing that God, according to his sovereign will, has allowed it?

A good friend recently reminded me of a Hebrew song that I learned at a Seder once. It’s been ringing in my ears ever since we talked about it. It’s a great reminder of the many wonderful things God did for his people in the Old Testament… and it’s exactly what I needed to realign my perspective. It’s called Dayeinu (pronounced Die-ay-noo).

Translated from Hebrew, portions of the song go a little like this:

If he had only brought us out of Egypt

If he had only split the sea for us…
If he had only led us through on dry land…


If he had only drowned our oppressors…
If he had only provided for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years…
If he had only fed us manna…


If he had only given us the Sabbath…
If he had only given us the Torah…
If he had only brought us into the Land of Israel…


So, what does dayeinu mean? “It would have sufficed” or “It would have been enough.”

Soak that in for a moment or two. If God had only done the bare minimum for us, it would have been enough. Not only would it have been enough, but we would have more than enough to be thankful for. God is not obligated to make life easy for us and still he delights in blessing us in so many ways.

This is the shift in perspective that I so desperately needed:

If God had only saved me…
If he had only secured my eternal fate…
If I had to crawl on my hands and knees through the rest of this life to get there…

DAYEINU! It would have been enough!

But that’s not all God has done for me. I've already been given far more than I deserve. I’ve been blessed in so many ways. He has provided for me unexpectedly more times that I can count. Oh me of little faith! Why do I so easily lose that perspective? I forget how much God has done for me, how many times he has proven his faithfulness to me. Why would I not hope in faith that he will work in amazing ways through this situation, too? He is certainly not obligated to fix every problem I encounter, yet time and time again, he chooses to do far more for me than I deserve.

God is so good! He is far more faithful to me than I am to him. In response to his faithfulness to me, I am determined to do my best to not let my attitude get skewed by my finite perspective. Rather, I will choose to hope in faith that God will continue to provide as he has so many other times in my life. So, my attitude of choice for today – focus on the positive, not the negative. Dayeinu!

Let me share with you a brief list of the positives that God has blessed me with recently:

1) I just found out that my next treatment will NOT be postponed… dayeinu!

2) I also found out that my liver is functioning well enough again that we don’t have to lower my chemo dosage for this treatment… dayeinu!

3) I learned that the mass in my uterus has shrunken yet again by about ½ to 1 cm… not as much as I had hoped, but dayeinu!

4) I just got connected with a financial counselor at St. Luke’s who will help walk me through the process of applying for medical assistance, seeing if there are other assistance options out there for me, and dealing with the hospital billing departments if any issues arise… dayeinu!

5) I learned that if I’m declined for medical assistance, St. Luke’s might still be able to help me at least a little bit with their Charity Care… dayeinu!

6) I found out that part of the amount that I thought I had due in current bills may not have yet been processed by my insurance company, so it could still be lowered at least by a little bit… dayeinu!

7) And last (but by no means least), thanks to some very caring friends, my bike is back on the road and the weather looks good for the weekend… dayeinu!


  1. Heather, I thank God for you. He has given you much wisdom beyond your years. I have learned also how our great God uses the difficult circumstances in our lives to draw us closer to Him and allows us to understand better how involved He is in our everyday lives. Without problems our sinful natures would take all the credit for our successes, but God in His mercy allows us to have problems so that we will turn away from ourselves and turn to Him. Rom 8:28 is always true and in ALL situations. James 1, That we can consider it all joy. Because our loving Lord is in control of every part of our lives and wants us to experience the blessings He has for His children.
    I found this book awhile ago and the Lord has blessed me and many others in my church through it.
    My daughter Theresa gave me your name, she got it from her friend Nicole. We are praying for you and know the Lord is going to use you in a mighty way for His kingdom through your illness. Praise Him always
    In Christ

  2. Hi Heather Thanks for keeping it real.