Considering the Birds

As I sit in the hospital contemplating the past three weeks, I've come to realize that this past treatment cycle was the worst physically. It was also the worst emotionally... but God is good and his promise to be close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) is ever true!

After feeling horribly sick and dealing with some pretty scary symptoms during the week, I finally started to feel better by last weekend and was hopeful that this past week would be better... that is until I walked to the mailbox!

I had been told that my application for Medical Assistance was as good as approved; they just needed me and my gynecologist to complete one form. I handed that form in on Friday and on Saturday, I received a declination letter in the mail. It said I was declined for Medical Assistance due to an excess of income and and excess of resources (even though the medical bills I have already accrued far exceed my annual gross salary combined with my little bit of savings)!

Needless to say, it was the last straw for me last week. I knew that there were other options I could pursue. I knew that God knows my needs, has a plan, and wants to provide for me. Yet, so much of this journey has been so difficult! I just wanted so badly for this one thing to work out the easy way, but it seemed that would not be the case.

I decided to go sit in my new favorite location at the parsonage... the front deck. I cried for a while (I am a woman, you know), but when I finally calmed myself down and just sat there soaking in the sun and enjoying the beautiful blue sky and the tall, unusually green trees, God began to speak to my heart.

A couple of birds flew across the sky from one tree to another...

"Consider the birds," he reminded me. "They do not sow or reap. They have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them! And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" ~ Luke 12:24-26

I looked down at my little vegetable garden...

"Consider how the lilies grow," he continued. "They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!" ~ Luke 12:27-28

My heart melted. O me of little faith! It wasn't that I had been angry at God. It wasn't that I didn't think it was going to eventually work out somehow. It was just that I wanted it to work out my way and in my timing. I was upset that it wasn't happening the way I wanted it. I was immediately convicted of my selfish and short-sighted attitude.

I know God has a purpose in all the difficulties I face. I know he wants to teach me, shape me, and reveal himself to me. My faith... my obedience was being tested in a real way. Would I trust God or would I worry and be upset?

By a sheer force of my will, I determined one thing: Every time I started to get upset, I would simply choose to consider the birds of the air instead.

- Post Script -

The ironic thing is that by this past Tuesday, I got a call saying that I actually was approved for Medical Assistance! It all hinged on that one form. I just didn't get it in soon enough because I was so sick the week before. Once my case worker had that form in hand, she was able to go back and approve my application!

I don't know yet what my coverage will be, but what a wonderful answer to prayer! What a wonderful God we serve! All along, he knew exactly what his plan was. All along, he was allowing that temporarily bad news by his sovereign plan, so he could work something even greater in me! Can you imagine what a fool I would have felt like if I had spent the weekend upset about something that only days later worked itself out with no effort on my part?!?

So, I ask you this... what is going on in your life that has you worried or upset? Remember, it all comes down to trust and obedience. Will you choose to consider the birds of the air?

Answer to Prayer

Just a quick update...

My blood work today came back much better and I didn't need a transfusion. Turns out it was all an error in how the labs were done. Praise God for answered prayer!

Now I just have to continue regaining my strength before my next treatment on Monday, June 8th...

A Quick Prayer Request

I ended up getting terribly sick this week and spent the last two days in bed... but this morning, I dragged myself out of the house to go have breakfast (or at least eat a few bites of breakfast) with several of my dearest girlfriends to celebrate my birthday. It was wonderful! I was in pain and struggled a lot with light-headedness, but I cherished our time of fellowship together. What a blessing it is to have friends like that who understand your heart and still love you through thick and thin!

Afterwards, I had to head down to St. Luke's to get my post-chemo blood work done. At this point, this has become a mundane task for me. Today, however, it turned out to be anything but normal. By the time I was back in the Poconos, I had gotten a call from the Infusion Center telling me that I had to come back to get my blood drawn again. My hemoglobin levels came back critically low. They suspect that an error may have occurred, like saline getting into the tube diluting my blood, but they can't be sure. With how sick I was this week and how bad I'm still feeling, I'm hesitant to believe that it was all just an error.

So, tomorrow morning, I head back down to St. Luke's to have blood drawn again. If my hemoglobin is as low as it showed in my labs today, I will have to get a transfusion. If not, I'll be sent home to continue recovering for the next week before treatment #5.

Please pray that my hemoglobin levels come back alright tomorrow and I don't need a transfusion! While you're at it, you can also pray that I continue to regain my strength after being so sick. I'm really tired of not feeling well and am just eager to get back to life as usual before my next treatment. Thank you!

Refiner's Fire

"Remove the dross from the silver and out comes material for the silversmith."
~ Proverbs 25:4

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
~ 1 Peter 1:3-7

I only have one thing to say...

The hotter the fire, the better the gold!

Knowing You...

Allow me to open the curtain for you on a day in the life of Heather post-treatment:

The week right after treatment is never any fun. This week has been no exception, but I was determined that it wouldn't stop me from doing what is most important to me. I forfeited my birthday this weekend because I wasn't feeling well (no big deal... I just made plans for next weekend instead), but I wasn't about to forfeit going to church. My body had other ideas in mind this morning, but I just wasn't listening. I was bound and determined to make it to church! Even if it meant that I had to sit down in my bedroom three times before I could get downstairs (and I did)... even if it meant that I had to sit down on the steps right outside my kitchen door before I could walk across the street (and I did)... I was getting myself to church! I was prepared to sit down in the middle of the street if came down to it (though, thankfully, I didn't have to do that)!

All I want is to feel well enough to do the things I want to do... and this morning, that thing was church! You see, after treatment, my white blood cell and red blood cell counts go very low. This results in feelings of exhaustion, light-headedness, and a complete inability to do much of anything (note: this sentence might just be the understatement of the year). Just walking across the street becomes a workout that makes me almost pass out. It's ridiculous!

As I walked into church this morning, I was feeling so frustrated that I didn't have the energy to really "be there." Immediately upon walking in the door, I saw a couple of very dear friends (an old Youth Group graduate and her husband), but I couldn't even muster up the simple energy to show my excitement over seeing them. I'm sure I looked absolutely horrible when I sat down because another one of my Youth Group graduates told me that he wished he could carry me back and forth, so I wouldn't have to walk to church on my own. How pathetic must I have looked for him to say that?!? Church began and I couldn't even stay standing through the opening hymn! My frustration was definitely building, but as much as it was upsetting me, I was bent on trying to just stay thankful for simply being there worshiping with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I fought my way through the service, just trying my best to stay focused even though I was feeling drugged and just wanted to go lay down to get rid of the feeling that I was going to pass out. My frustration continued to build when I didn't even have the ability to simply sing out loud during worship. I was grateful that I had listened to a message on what makes true worship this morning before church. It came in handy as I reminded myself that true worship isn't style, but substance. I kept telling myself that, even though I couldn't get the words out, God knew my heart and my heart was still worshiping! I was starting to feel a little bit better...

...Then the song came. It's one we've sung in church probably hundreds of times. It's one that's always meant something very special to me. Yet today, it took on a whole new meaning as I sat there battling my way through worship:


Knowing You

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know You more
To be found in You and know as Yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Oh to know the power of Your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like You in Your death, my Lord
So with You to live and never die

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord


As I did my best to sing this song along with the rest of the congregation, I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. The words I had sung hundreds of times before suddenly became real to me in a new way. Truly, all I once thought gain I have now counted as loss. All I once built my life upon suddenly doesn't matter anymore. When everything else is stripped away, the only thing that matters is knowing Jesus. He suffered more than I could know and gave everything to give me eternal life. How could my one desire not be to know him more?

Yet, how do we come to know him more if we don't go through some very deep valleys? How would I have come to cherish worship as much as I did this morning if I hadn't had to fight my way there in the first place? In this life, it is far too easy to take things for granted... and it is far too easy to get caught up in that which simply does not matter. Dealing with something as major as cancer has been the most difficult thing I've faced in this life, yet it has been a blessing. Yes... you read that right... cancer has been a blessing. It has helped me to start stripping away all that extra veneer, even those things that were good, and focus in on what is really best. I now count myself tremendously blessed simply to know God, to be loved by him, and to be able to worship him freely.

Cancer has taught me a lot. I've learned to not be so aggravated by little things like bad traffic and scheduling mishaps. I've learned to reconsider my priorities and strive to live each day with a focus on what God thinks is important, not what I think is important. I've learned that there is precious little of real value in this life and I am thankful to simply be able to cling to those truly important things.

Here's the reality: No matter what it takes, no matter how much I have to struggle or suffer, all that matters is that I know Jesus more. It doesn't matter what I have to go through to get there; it only matters that I do. My prayer is that I will continue to know him more deeply through this journey with cancer... and I'm sure that God will continue to answer that prayer in wonderful (though sometimes painful and difficult) ways!

The Half-Way Mark

Three chemo treatments down... three more to go...

Now that I've made it to the half-way mark, I had a PET/CT scan done to see exactly how I'm progressing. Today, I got the results and what great results they were!

Here's the breakdown:

- There is still cancer in my pelvic lymph nodes, but there is no sign of cancer in my right kidney anymore.
- Some of the spots in my lungs have completely disappeared. What is left has shrunken significantly.
- The cancer in my pelvic region has also shrunken significantly.
- In addition to the cancer shrinking, the cancer that remains is also being affected by the chemo. It's not showing up on the scan as strongly as it originally did in my first scan and it's not actively growing.
- When the doctor did his physical exam, he said that he could tell that what had spread in my reproductive organs has shrunken significantly. He also said that this is the first time that he feels like he should be able to remove all the cancer in my pelvic region once we get to the surgery stage... if I keep progressing this well through the remainder of my chemotherapy.
- Overall, my doctor said that he's very pleased with my progress... and I'm only half-way through my treatments!

Isn't that wonderful? God is so good! I may not have gotten my prayers answered exactly the way I was hoping, but all this is certainly good news and I got additional good news that I wasn't expecting! Plus, knowing that the treatments have been this effective so far certainly makes it a little easier to face my next three treatments.

Thank you so much for your prayers and please... keep them coming!

Prayer Request

Tomorrow morning I go in for my second PET/CT scan. There won't be much of note actually going on during the scan, but I'd like to ask everyone to pray with me for the results. I'm half way through my chemo treatments and this scan will give us a definitive look at how things have progressed so far.

I'm hoping in faith that the cancer that has spread to the distant sites (my lungs and right kidney) is completely gone. I'm also hoping that the cancer that has spread in my reproductive organs from the primary mass is shrinking considerably. These requests are bold considering I'm only at the half-way mark, but I know that my God can do amazing things. Please pray with me that he will!

I'll get the results next Thursday, the 14th, when I go in to see my doctor to be cleared for treatment #4...