Heather's Hope

Scan Results

2010-02-23T19:18:00.003-05:00

Well once again I find myself having not written in a long time... I write completely from my heart and it's very difficult for me to put finger to keyboard when I'm hurting or really dealing with something. Needless to say, over the past weeks, I've dealt with a lot. I've had doctors tell me I may only have months to live; I've been on and come down off of some really strong medications; my immune system took a dive; not to mention I went through a good couple weeks of really wrestling with the potential imminence of my own death. To sum up the last several weeks, I've questioned my faith, eternity, God's plan for my life... and I've struggled through some of the worst fear, anxiety, and depression I've ever faced in my life.

Yet here I stand. God has been so faithful to me through it all. He's put on flesh and a voice every single day through friends, email devos, his Word... all sorts of things. I don't deserve his lovingkindess, but he seems to want to lavish it on me every day. He has walked with me through this dark time and has brought me to a bit of a better place emotionally (at least for now). He has given me a bunch of Scripture to hold onto like Philippians 4:6-7 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus" (trust me, that passage really works!). He has proven himself and his promises to be true. For all these things I am thankful.

However, that does not mean that he has answered all my prayers the way I've wanted them answered. God certainly seems to have a plan of his own for my life these days. Case in point - I got my scan results today. Simply put, it's not good. Here's the story as it stands now:

I did respond quite well to the full head radiation. The MRI showed that the swelling in my head went down considerably and the tumors pretty much all shrunk in size by about half leaving me just barely eligible for a localized head radiation treatment that we were hoping to do. Unfortunately, we will not be moving forward with that right now because of the results of the CAT scan. Since I haven't been doing chemo for several months, the cancer has come back in my torso aggressively. It has spread throughout my lungs again and it has also now spread into my liver quite significantly as well.

Since I'm experiencing some reasonable pain in my back now from the size of the tumors in my lungs, my doctors have opted to start off with a three-week round of radiation to my lungs to try to shrink the larger tumors down to make me more comfortable. Then, it's back to chemo... just about the last thing in the world that I could want to do! We have to try to see if we can get the cancer in my lungs and liver under control before we can worry about the cancer that spread to my head. We have to deal with what's actively growing first. Now, there's a reasonable chance that the cancer in my head may continue to shrink over the coming month or two as the effects of the full head radiation linger. However, there's still a small chance that it may also start to grow again as well. I just have to wait and see.

To be honest, right now I feel like it's totally hopeless. My cancer is so aggressive that it seems like as soon as we leave one area go for the shortest time it just comes right back and ravages my body! However, I know one thing to be true... "Nothing is impossible with God!" (Luke 1:37) Please continue to pray with me for full healing this side of heaven... and pray for my heart - that I will accept with faith and joy whatever plan God has for my life... no matter what.

I'll leave you with a song that I've been holding onto today:

Faithful by Steven Curtis Chapman

I am broken, I am bleeding
I am scared and I'm confused
but You are faithful
Yes, You are faithful

I am weary, unbelieving
God, please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful, yes You are faithful

I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
I'll sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark!

You are faithful, You are faithful
When you give and when you take away
Even then still Your name is faithful
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of my I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue that I know is sure to come
Cuz You are faithful, yes You are faithful
I've dropped anchor in Your promises and I am holding on
Cuz You are faithful, God You are faithful

I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
I'll sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark!

You are faithful, You are faithful
When You give and when you take away
Even then still Your name is faithful
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me I am choosing to believe
You are faithful

When I cannot have the answers that I'm wanting to demand
I'll remember You are God and everything is in Your hands
With Your hands you hold the sun, the moon, the stars up in the sky
For the sake of love, You hung Your own Son on the cross to die...

You are faithful, yes You are faithful
When You give and when You take away
Even then great is Your faithfulness, great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me I am choosing to believe
You're faithful...

A Small Lesson Learned in the Midst of a Big Week

2010-01-24T18:42:00.007-05:00

Coming home from the hospital is always a whirlwind in and of itself for me... let alone transitioning into life and treatment on new (and very strong) medications... and we won't even mention beginning the process of sorting through all that last week brought to the table. I'm exhausted, but I'm ok. God is good and he has been with me every step of the way so far. I don't expect that to change. But so much else has...

There is already so much to write. I'm just not quite up to it as of yet. I will be sharing more as I'm able... so please be patient with me. Just know that for now, God is with me, I am ok, and I just need some time.

That said, let me leave you with a simple, yet profound lesson I learned as I walked through the events of the last couple weeks:

"Never put off until tomorrow what is on your heart to share with someone today."

I quickly learned how much of everything gets stripped away when you think you won't have much time left to share with people what's really boiled down to importance in your heart. There really are precious few things in this life... and they really are precious.

If you love someone, tell them.
If you're happy they're next to you, share that with them.
If they've made a difference in your life, let them know how.

Take a moment to look for these things amidst your day. They're right there. They always have been. We just manage to overlook them too often in the midst of our busyness and focus on other things. Look for those things that really matter to you. Ponder them and point them out. You never know what an amazing impact you'll have on a person's heart and life when you do... Take it from someone who knows.

"Never put off until tomorrow what is on your heart to share with someone today."

A New Development

2010-01-16T19:23:00.004-05:00

I'm writing from the hospital because there has been some misinformation going out about what has developed in my disease and prognosis over this week and I would like to clarify the matter directly.

During the holidays, I began to develop some significant headaches. After coming into the hospital for my regularly scheduled radiation on Monday, I was sent to the ER and given a CAT Scan to try to determine the cause of my headaches. That scan showed signs of metastatic disease in my brain, which means that the uterine cancer I was originally diagnosed with has spread into my head. This, obviously, is very bad news. This isn't a bump in the road. It's a major and very unexpected glitch in my journey. I was so close to finishing radiation and looking forward to remission... and now, yet again, we are realizing just how very aggressive my cancer is. It is rare for uterine cancer to spread beyond the pelvic area and mine has. It is even more rare that it would spread into the brain and mine has. I cannot deny that this is a very serious turn for the worse.

My gynecologic oncologist, Dr. Silver has made it clear that the average oncologist that he could consult to look at my case would determine based on statistics alone that I likely only have a few months to live. HOWEVER, Dr. Silver has been my primary doctor from the beginning of my treatment and does not believe this to be the case. Already, I have faced several obstacles in my diagnosis and treatment that I should not have been able to overcome. Yet, here I stand. Dr. Silver is hopeful that because of my young age and good health we have reason to expect that I will be able to continue on with an aggressive treatment plan.

For now, the plan is for me to continue on to finish pelvic radiation as planned and as of this week, I have begun full head radiation as well. Our goal remains the same... to try to get me into remission. Haiti is now completely out of the picture for me, however, as I cannot take a break in my now-continued radiation treatments.

I greatly appreciate your continued prayers and expressions of love through this difficult time. We serve a great God who still has a purpose and plan in all of this!

For today

2009-12-07T11:13:00.000-05:00

For today, all I can do is be thankful that I don't have to do chemo this week...

My Lamentation

2009-12-06T10:24:00.003-05:00

"I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.
He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light;
Indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long.
He has made my skin and my flesh grow old and has broken my bones.
He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship.
He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead.
He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer.
He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
He has made my paths crooked.
Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding,
He dragged me from the path and mangled me and left me without help.
He drew his bow and made me the target for his arrows.
He pierced my heart with arrows from his quiver.
I became the laughingstock of all my people;
They mock me in song all day long.
He has filled me with bitter herbs and sated me with gall.
He has broken my teeth with gravel;
He has trampled me in the dust.
I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
So I say, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
For his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
Therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

~ Lamentations 3:1-26

Be Strong and Courageous

2009-12-05T22:00:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning very much so still processing the news from my last appointment. Again, it's going to take a while...

Then I got an email from a dear friend, which ended with the exhortation, "be strong and courageous." That immediately drove me to the book of Joshua, chapter one to be exact. After Moses died, Joshua took on the responsibility of leading the Israelites into the Promised Land. It was a big task, way bigger than Joshua was feeling prepared for, I'm sure - but the Lord knew that and yet he still called him to it.

What's encouraging about this story is how many times Joshua was challenged to be strong and courageous. Four different times in his calling he was reminded to be strong and courageous. He must have really needed to hear that, don't you think? The thing that struck me upon my reading of this passage in the context of what I'm facing is the reason why God called him to be strong and courageous... because the Lord his God was going to be with him wherever he went!

That nearly drove me to tears. God encouraged Joshua with the truth that he would be with him throughout his journey, no matter how unprepared he felt... no matter how scary or difficult it might have been. He didn't have to be terrified. He didn't have to be discouraged. Whatever his calling would bring, God would be right there with him to see him through it.

As much as I'd like to opt out of the journey that's ahead of me, I know that I don't have to be terrified and I don't have to be discouraged either... because God will be with me wherever this life may take me.

So with that thought in mind, I put my feet to the floor this morning determined to face at least this set of twenty four hours with faith in the fact that God has a purpose for me in this day and with appreciation for the fact that I even have this day. It doesn't mean that my life has suddenly become all sunshine and roses. I'm still wrestling with some really tough things. I just got the reminder I needed the most this morning... God will be with me through it all!

Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

My Life is a Mist - An Update

2009-12-04T16:59:00.020-05:00

I finished my second round of chemo and had another scan recently. I got the results yesterday and as always, it was a mixed bag.

Overall, my doctor is really thrilled with my progress - Let's start with that.

This scan showed that there is still no visible cancer in my abdomen. Even better, it showed that all the nodules in my lungs, with one exception, have completely disappeared! The one nodule that is there is about 8 mm and my doctor thinks that there's a chance it may not even be cancerous. We're going to wait until my next scan and see how it looks at that time. If it's grown, then it's definitely cancer and we'll absolutely have to talk about more chemo after radiation. As it stands now, we may still consider some chemo after radiation anyway. I'll just have to wait and see what my doctor decides when we get to that point.

In addition to that one nodule in my lung, a new abnormal spot showed up in my right groin. My doctor said that it doesn't make any sense that new cancer would show up in that location at this point, so he's thinking that it may not be cancer related at all. Again, we're going to wait until my next scan and see what it looks like at that time to determine if it's anything that we need to address. For now, I'm cleared to start radiation next week.

So, again, my doctor is really pleased with these latest results overall.

Now with the end of treatment becoming more and more of a possibility for me in the coming months, I had some additional questions that needed some answering. Those answers brought some sobering truths to light.

Allow me to let you in on the conversation that ensued yesterday between me and my doctor. The following are the questions I asked and a summary of the answers I received:

1) How many women diagnosed with uterine cancer are stage 4?

A very low percentage... less than 10%.

2) Of that number of women diagnosed with stage 4 uterine cancer, how many go into remission?

Almost none.

3) Early in my treatment plan, we had discussed the statistics that I'm facing with this diagnosis. I have a 15-20% chance of surviving past five years. Does that statistic change if I go into remission?

No. So few women with stage 4 uterine cancer go into remission that there simply aren't statistics out there for that... so the reality remains the same - a 15-20% five year survival rate. However, I don't like to consider statistics that much because each individual case is so unique.

4) If I go into remission and then my cancer returns, is it true that it will be even more aggressive than before?

No, that's a misnomer. When cancer returns, in time it becomes more and more resilient to treatment. That's what makes people think it's more "aggressive". It's not really that, it's just that it eventually doesn't respond to treatment as well.

5) If I go into remission and then my cancer returns, does that automatically mean more surgery for me?

No. For you, in fact, it most likely won't mean surgery unless we find a mass that is particularly resectable. In your case, you'll most likely be looking at more chemotherapy.

Then the conversation got really... let's say, interesting. My doctor began to explain something to me that I wasn't altogether prepared to hear. It seems that my cancer is so aggressive and advanced that I should expect it to return in the future. It may be ten months or it may be ten years - there's no way of knowing. That's why we'll be doing regular check-ups all the time. The reality I have to accept is that I have a chronic disease that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life - however long that may be. He said I'll be in and out of treatment from here forward. Our goal will be to keep me out of treatment more than I'm in treatment. However, the reality is that at some point, the cancer will return and be resilient to treatment and we'll eventually have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Sigh... I've often joked that I have to remember that there is a light at the end of this tunnel... I just hope that it's not an oncoming freight train! As I sat looking into the confident and comforting eyes of my doctor trying to absorb all this new news, I still couldn't shake the feeling that for now the light seems much more like a freight train than ever before. I mean, what a paradigm shift! It seems far too often that I have to wrap my head around a little more of the reality of just how severe my cancer is. I knew that I'd have to learn to live with the "what if" questions for the rest of my life. I just wasn't expecting to be told in so many words that I can expect to die from this disease barring some other odd thing happening.

To be honest, In some small way I'm glad to have a framework with which to face the future. In a strange way, it's easier than facing the unknowns and questions. I'm also glad that I can feel secure in my eternity! It's such a comfort to know that I'm facing something better than this life after I die. It's all the stuff in between that I've still got to sort out. For now, I'm trying to push another reality to the front of my mind. You see, as much as it's true that I can expect my cancer to come back, it's just as true that I have beaten the odds in spectacular fashion so far! I attribute that unequivocally to the prayer of God's people and the power of his hand in my life. God has done a miraculous work in my body through the wisdom of my doctor and the advances of medical technology. It is in the face of the bleakest of circumstances that God has always worked the most amazingly, so there's no reason to lose hope that he will continue to work wonders in my future.

I know that, either way, my life is merely "a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14). In fact, this is true of all our lives. Each day is a gift, not a guarantee. Tomorrow is promised to none of us. It's just that we do such a good job of pushing that reality aside. For me, there can no longer be any more pushing aside. From here on in, I have to find a way to live comfortably in the reality of my mortality and the fragility of my life. Psalm 139:16 says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." I know God has a plan for my life, no matter how long or difficult it may be. He knows the number of my days and he has a purpose for each of them. Here's the thing, though... some days, God's truths, like this one, are a tremendous comfort to me; some days, I still have to convince myself of them. Today is definitely a convincing sort of day.

I know one thing for sure: It's going to take some time for me to process all this and shift into a new framework of thinking. For now, I'm just trying to breathe...

Giving Thanks

2009-11-25T22:45:00.003-05:00

Tonight I went to a Thanksgiving service at my church where testimonies of thankfulness were shared. Here's what was on my heart and what I shared:

This has been the hardest year of my adult life… and the darkest year I’ve experienced since I believed in Jesus as my Savior. It was a year ago this very week that I began to experience what would become debilitating pelvic pain that eventually led to a diagnosis of stage 4 uterine cancer. What followed has been a near yearlong journey through chemotherapy, major surgery, and more chemotherapy with radiation soon to come.

Since last Thanksgiving, I’ve felt more sick than I’ve ever felt in my life and I’ve been more exhausted than I’ve ever been in my life. I learned that my doctor wasn’t sure I’d even make it when he saw how bad my cancer was in the beginning… and to add to that, I learned that statistically I face a mere 15-20% chance of even surviving the next 5 years. Needless to say, I’ve spent this year struggling with more questions and fears than I ever imagined I would in my lifetime… and I’ve wrestled with some very deep and dark emotions.

I certainly don’t feel like being thankful this Thanksgiving. Yet I find myself unable to deny that I still have a lot to be thankful for.

- I’m thankful that my church elders have even bothered to keep me on staff through all this.

- I’m thankful that God provided the best GYN oncologist in the northeast to care for me.

- I’m thankful that God has worked through medical advances and the prayer of his people to heal my body of cancer almost completely in less than a year.

- I’m thankful that I’ve been given the opportunity to share how I've experienced the love of God with people I never would have met if I hadn’t gotten cancer.

- I’m thankful that no matter how hard it is to face each day, God always gives me just the grace and strength I need to get through it.

- I’m thankful that I can see God using this tremendously difficult time in my life to transform me into something far different than I was before.

- But most of all, I’m thankful that I have come to see and know God in ways I never could have apart from such a long and difficult trial: He has proven his faithfulness to me over and over again… even when I’m not feeling so faithful myself. He has shown me how very deep the rivers of his comfort are when I am hurting in ways that I can’t even express. He has affirmed over and over that he has a purpose in everything that I’ve faced… and that if I woke up this morning, he has a purpose for me in this day.

- Most importantly, He has proven the promises of his Word to be a strong and true foundation to cling to. Isaiah 43:2-3, for example, has meant a lot to me over the past year - "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

My Anchor

2009-11-17T16:05:00.002-05:00

A dear friend sent me this today and it was a perfect expression of how God cares for me through the most difficult of times...

The anchor holds
though the ship is battered;
The anchor holds
though the sails are torn;
I have fallen on my knees
as I faced the raging seas;
The anchor holds
in spite of the storm.

Radiation Oncology Consultation

2009-11-16T08:45:00.006-05:00

This has been an exceptionally difficult treatment cycle for me emotionally. Hence the radio silence... but I wanted to get at least something of an update posted before I go down from my last scheduled chemo. I'm writing from the infusion center... chemo #6 of phase 2... so let me try to update you before I'm drugged and incapable of focusing clearly.

Two weeks ago I had my radiation oncology consultation. I went into the appointment blissfully ignorant due to the fact that a number of people had told me that radiation is much easier than chemotherapy. I quickly learned that this will most likely not be the case for me. Because of the location of my radiation and the major extent of my surgery this past summer, radiation holds a very likely prospect that it will be just as difficult as chemo for me. The side effects will be a little different, though.

I won't bore you (or gross you out) with the details of the side effects. Suffice it to say - it's not going to be easy and there are some pretty daunting long term side effects, some of which are possible - pray that I don't suffer from life-long chronic lymph edema (a build up of fluid) in my legs - and some of which are definite - those I won't even mention here.

When I was receiving all this information, at first I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I was being inundated with so many details that were just so hard to accept! The longer the consultation went on, the more I felt like I had just slammed into a brick wall. It knocked me off my feet and it took me a good week or so just to shake off the shock and stand back up again. Now it's a matter of processing all that I learned. Brick by brick, I'm pulling apart that wall because there is no escape... I'm going to have to walk through it and get to the other side one way or another.

I won't have any definite answers on my schedule until the beginning of December, but for now it looks like I'll be in radiation for the better part of two to three months. I'll do external radiation every day (Monday through Friday) for about 5 1/2 to 6 weeks... maybe more. Then I'll do internal radiation once a week for about 3 weeks. I'm holding onto the good news that there's a good chance I'll be finishing treatment about a week before my mission trip to Haiti. It'll be rough, but I'm still hoping to be able to go.... We'll see!

For now, I have very mixed feelings. It is such a good thing to be so close to taking another step toward the end of my treatment. I've been unbelievably blessed since I was diagnosed last February. My cancer is so aggressive and advanced, it's a wonder (I would say a miracle) that I have responded so well to treatment. There are days when I'm amazed that I'm even looking at a realistic possibility that I'll be told I'm cancer-free someday.

Yet, I'm finding that it's almost as intimidating to face the prospect of transitioning back into "normal" life as it was to transition into treatment. On top of that, there are so many questions that swirl around my head every day. What will the next scan show? Will I stop responding to treatment so well at some point? Will the cancer begin to grow again? Will it come back after I'm in remission? How long will I live? Will I die a long and ugly death because of this disease? ...And so many more. It's difficult to live in this state of limbo all the time. Yet, in truth, nothing is guaranteed to any of us. We just fool ourselves into thinking that it's all going to be OK. We deny the reality that this life is merely a vapor (James 4:14).

I find myself being pushed into a new reality through all of this. I'm recognizing on a whole new level the pain and fragility of this life. I've gotten to a point where I'm totally burned out. I'm done. I'm done with feeling sick so often. I'm done with always feeling tired. I'm done with my body not working the way I want it to. I'm done with my hands and feet being numb. I'm done with struggling through all the many emotions that come with cancer and its treatment. I'm just done. I wish I didn't have to go any further in this life. I so long for heaven.... I long to realize the promises of no more tears, no more pain, and no more suffering. I'm done with this life! Yet, there are a few people precious to me whose eternity still hangs in the balance... they have become my motivation for hanging on still.

That said, let me be clear about one more thing, so you don't go worrying about me. God has very much so been holding me in place. Somehow by his mercy and grace, he has kept me from being completely washed away and drowned by these thoughts. He has given me a firm foundation and a keen sense of purpose in the midst of it all. I know that if I woke up today, God has a purpose for me in this day. I know that if I'm still here, there's a reason for it... and it is that truth to which I cling.

Still, my feelings are strong right now and I'm struggling in a big way... but this week I got a great reminder. I was reminded of Noah of all people! Like him, I feel as if I've been flooded and I'm floating adrift on a vast sea (Genesis 8:6-12). Noah was in need of a little hope when he released a dove from the ark and waited for it to return to him with a sign of dry land somewhere.... anywhere! He got that glimpse of hope when the dove finally returned with an olive leaf in its mouth. Like him, I'm looking out at a vast and stormy sea praying for a glimpse of hope from the Lord. I'm holding onto his promises and the faithfulness he's shown me, so that I may still have the eyes to see God through this very dark time. No matter how I happen to feel at the moment, he is still my stronghold and refuge (Psalm 18:2-6). That will never change.

If you're in your own dark time, feeling like you're on a stormy sea... let me encourage you with what encourages me, "Look to the horizon. You never know when a glimpse of hope may be coming you way!

Hold My Heart

2009-10-26T15:32:00.005-04:00

I'm sitting in the infusion center staring once again down the long hill of the upcoming week. Even with seeing God answer prayer and work in such an amazing way with a large medical bill being written off just last week, I still find myself struggling to accept the path he has laid out ahead me.

I don't want to feel drugged. I don't want to feel sick. I don't want to feel sore and worn out. I don't want to spend the next couple weeks having to deal with my body not working the way it should!

My body is starting to really feel the cumulative effects of continued treatment and it's all just getting old. I'm tired and... as much as I know my God is right here wrapping his arms around me, carrying me through, answering prayer, and giving me grace and strength to face each day... I still get enveloped by the difficulty of treatment and I end up crying out to him because I don't feel his presence through the low times.

The following is a song that mirrors how I feel during these times:

Hold My Heart
by Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray, must I pray to you?
How long must I wait, must I wait for you?
How long 'till I see Your face, see you shining through?
I'm on my knees begging you to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are,
Would you come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why
Cause I'm on my knees begging you to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are,
Would you come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers; Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances, to hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are,
Would you come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

Thank you, God, that even when I don't feel it, I know you are right here with me. I know that through the clouds of doubt and difficulty, your promises remain. Thank you. They are all I have to cling to this week...

I'll post again when I'm feeling better.

My God Provides!

2009-10-25T15:25:00.001-04:00

I just had to write to fill you in on what God has done for me...

I called St. Luke's billing department last week because I had received a bill in the mail this month saying that I owed $10,704.14 on my PET/CT scan from back in May. That amount is the final figure after both my insurance and medical assistance had made their payments. I was calling to ask some questions because I thought there might have been an error in what was covered and then I knew I was going to have to set up a payment plan for that large of an amount.

When I gave the account number I was informed that there is a zero balance on the account... St. Luke's wrote off the balance!!! Can you believe it?!?

I was so heavy-hearted about incurring this debt, but I was trying to keep a positive attitude knowing that in the big picture it's a small price to pay for my health. I knew that God would provide for me even if it meant paying it off little by little over the years, but he is so gracious and good to me beyond what I could ever imagine and definitely beyond what I deserve! I can't believe that the whole amount was just wiped clean!!!

I'm sure I'll incur more debt, so keep an ear open over the coming months - I have some wonderful friends who want to eventually hold a benefit to help me out. But for now... I'm speechless over this!

Motherhood

2009-10-13T17:33:00.007-04:00

I think generally I'm a pretty sane person (relatively speaking). I've had my share of ups and downs, but overall I think I handle most things pretty well. However, going into my surgery, I wasn't so sure what to expect of my reaction afterwards. What is a young woman supposed to do when she's never been married, never had kids, and faces the prospect of a radical hysterectomy? How is she supposed to feel?

Prior to surgery, I wasn't upset about the prospect of losing my uterus. In fact, the very first day I met my oncologist, I was on a mission to make sure he knew that I was not attached to my reproductive system. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was free to remove whatever needed to be removed if it meant I'd be that much closer to becoming cancer-free. You see, I'm in my mid-thirties with no immediate prospects of getting married and even if I were looking at marriage now, I'm really not interested in having kids at this stage of my life anyway. Besides, I had always thought that if I had gotten married earlier in my life that I would've wanted to adopt anyway. So, for several valid reasons, I was not concerned in the least before surgery about retaining my ability to have children. I hoped, of course, that I wouldn't somehow wake up from surgery with a changed mind.

Even though I normally handle most things pretty logically (or at least I think I do) and I don't usually change my mind on things, I was concerned that somehow in the wake of major surgery and with the sudden onset of menopause, I'd find myself being unnaturally emotional about losing a key part of myself that, at least physically, makes me uniquely feminine. Though I told no one, I had a secret fear that I would wake up mourning over some new-found longing to bear children of my own. Would I somehow feel like less of a woman?

Well, I didn't... and today I came to the clear realization that I won't!

In my women's Bible study group, we're reading through a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Women, if you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it. This is my second time going through it and I'm still gleaning much from it. It's had a huge impact on how I see myself (more to come on that later). Anyway, we're going through this book and today we read a chapter on Mothers, Daughters, and Sisters. My knee-jerk inclination was to groan when I read that... but as it turns out I was feeling really uplifted by the end of our time together. A portion of this chapter put in a nutshell all that's been swirling around in my mind these past months regarding motherhood. Check it out -

"All women are called to mother. And all women are called to give birth. Women give birth to ideas, to creative expressions, to ministries. We birth life in others by inviting them into deeper realms of healing, to deeper walks with God, to deeper intimacy with Jesus. A woman is not less of a woman because she is not a wife or has not physically borne a child. The heart and life of a woman is much more vast than that. All women are made in the image of God in that we bring forth life. When we enter into our world and into the lives of those we love and offer our tender and strong feminine hearts, we cannot help but mother them."

I couldn't have stated it any better myself. I don't mourn the fact that I'll never bear children of my own physically. I've just never been that girl! I look at my life and realize simply that my calling is different than that. Even though I'll never be able to do the one thing that most women long for with every fiber of their being... even though that's not even a part of the fabric of who I am, I know in my heart of hearts that I still have a similar calling... and one that's just as valuable, too! Like so many women of Scripture (Naomi, Ruth, Esther, Mary, Lois, Eunice... and so many more), I want to be a woman who brings life with her wherever she goes. I want people to feel uplifted after they've been with me... not because of me really, but because of the Life-Giver that lives within me. I want to be the kind of woman who imparts something of value into this world - a woman who changes people's lives for the better and leaves an indelible imprint of the Lord on them after she's gone.

Giving life is so much more than bearing children. Motherhood extends beyond bloodlines. I envision a day, if I'm around long enough, that I can say I have many sons and daughters... a day when I will be remembered fondly as someone who imparted life to many... in spite of the fact that I don't have a uterus! I want to be like my Savior who came saying, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10).

Christianese

2009-10-09T15:17:00.005-04:00

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." ~ Philippians 3:7-11

As I'm studying through the book of Philippians, I've found myself standing squarely in the face of this passage. I knew it was coming. It's a passage that has somehow found its way into my reading a lot lately and I've got to be honest... I haven't been thrilled about it. It's one that at first I felt very akin to. Truly, as I have gone through the processes that naturally happen when you receive a major diagnosis like mine, I have learned to count a lot of things as loss and I have learned to desire knowing Christ all the more. At the end of the day, there's not really much more to hold onto.

Yet, I now find myself wincing at this once comforting passage. As I've said so many times before, treatment is a long and difficult process. There is no getting out of it. You just have to bear down and get through the many days of sickness, pain, and misery. I thought that having gone through these trials these past months would have made me love this passage all the more as I cling to my Savior to get me through. Not so.... Instead, as I wade through the weeks and months, I am coming to realize something about myself - about many Christians - that I'm not so fond of.

You see, often I have thrown these words around... "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings," but do I really? I'm fast coming to a place where I'm realizing that I want to know Christ, but I really don't want to know his suffering. Why would I? Sure, I want to know Jesus more and more. Sure, I want to be close to him and as much like him as I can be... but at what cost? What price am I really willing to pay to be like my Savior? I'm afraid I'm learning that my cost is a lot cheaper than I thought it was. It seems the longer I go in treatment, the less I want to go through it... even if it means that I forfeit the lessons God has planned for me to learn. I'm just tired of the struggle.

Don't get me wrong - I do want to know Jesus and be like him, but in all honesty, I'm realizing that I still want life to be easy. I don't want to face hardship or pain - not at all! There's one problem with this, though... one nagging question: Can I ever truly know him or be like him without suffering? I don't think so.

So here I sit... realizing once again that my heart is failing and my faith is weak. So often I throw around Scripture quotations and boast of my great desires to make a difference in this world for the Lord. So often, however, I'm not even thinking of what my words really mean. So often, I don't think of the cost. So often, I forget the tremendous price my Savior was willing to pay for me and I make promises to him that are no more lasting than the air on which they're breathed... promises that in the end, I may never be willing to actually keep. In the end, it's all just "Christianese." It sounds good, but it really doesn't mean a whole lot.

I think a lot of us do that. We talk big, but when we're really pressed with hardship, we crack and we fold. When things get rough, we want out. I think there are a lot of people out there just like me.... If we're really honest with ourselves, we'd have to admit that we want the blessings of the Lord, but we want things to be easy, too. What a shame! How will we see real transformation in our lives? How will we ever make a difference for the Lord if we're not willing to suffer in some way as our Messiah did for us? It seems there is no other way. The ways of the Lord are backwards to this world. Death brings life, trials bring growth, and suffering brings joy....

At least, that's what he's promised us. For those of us who go through the long nights of trials and tribulations, we are offered a tremendous hope in the Lord. It's not necessarily the hope of getting out of the difficulty immediately. It's the promise of deep joy and lasting growth for the one who perseveres (James 1:2-3; 12). I so long to be that person.... May I not fail under this long test! I don't want my promises to the Lord to be empty words. I want my life to mirror his and make a difference for him! So, I reconsider and realign my thinking (yet once again)...

Another Update

2009-10-02T13:12:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I got the results from my latest scan. In talking to my doctor's team, they said it was all positive and they seem to feel very good about it. I, on the other hand, felt like it was a mixed bag. So here's the scoop...

There is nothing showing in my pelvic area and none of my remaining pelvic lymph nodes are swollen, which means that my doctor removed everything that needed to be removed during surgery. Great news!

When they started talking about my lungs, I was a little taken back. They said that there are nodules remaining, but they continue to shrink. They are down to 2 mm and they're not showing any signs of cancerous growth, so they do not pose any reason for concern. Good news!

I just wasn't expecting to hear anything at all about my lungs. When I got the results from my previous scan, they had said that there was no sign of cancer left in my lungs. When I asked them for more details on why these nodules were showing up now, they explained the difference between the two types of scans I get done. My previous scan was a PET scan, which measures metabolic or growth activity. On this scan, anything cancerous will "light up" - the stronger and more rapidly growing the cancer, the brighter it will appear. The scan I most recently had was a CAT scan. This type of scan only measures mass, not growth activity. My doctor would prefer to have both scans done at the same time, but unfortunately, my insurance won't cover that. At least, I've been reassured that we can still get all the information we need doing the scans separately.

So, on my previous scan, there was no cancer to be found in my lungs. However, on this scan, some small apparently non-cancerous nodules were detected. They could be treated cancer or calcified cancer and there's a chance that they could never go away and always show up on my scans for the rest of my life. There's also a chance that they could continue to shrink and totally disappear after these next three treatments. I guess only the next scan will tell...

Obviously, that leads to a prayer request -

Please pray that the nodules in my lungs continue to shrink through these next three treatments and completely disappear by my next scan.

While you're at it, please pray for strength (both physically and emotionally) to get through my next three treatments. To say the least, the cumulative effects of treatment are difficult to get through.

Finally, please pray that my treatment schedule won't hinder me from going on a much-desired mission trip to Haiti this winter. For now, my doctor is saying that I should definitely plan on going (awesome!), but I'm realizing more and more that I very well may still be in radiation treatment by the end of February, which is when the trip is planned for. One thing I know about radiation is that an expected side effect is extreme exhaustion and I so don't want that to keep me from being able to go see Jenny, Linda, and the kids at the House of Hope!

Milestones

2009-09-22T17:16:00.001-04:00

I've got a confession to make... my perspective has been pretty lousy the past couple months. Things got really difficult for me both physically and emotionally after surgery. Nothing went wrong necessarily... it just seems that the longer I go through treatment, the harder it is to stay focused on God and what he's doing through all of this. The bottom line is that it's just harder and harder to see past all the difficulty of this journey. I haven't even had the emotional energy to blog (hence the radio silence for so long... sorry about that). Needless to say, I'm ready for the train to stop, so I can get off already!

But I was recently reminded by a few good friends that maybe that's not the point. Maybe... no, most definitely... I'm not supposed to see exactly what God's doing through all of this right now. Maybe I never will. But that doesn't mean he's not working through it anyway. Isn't that the fundamental definition of faith anyway?

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" ~ Hebrews 11:1

Having faith is a matter of trusting God with what you can't see in the first place! Well, that's exactly where I am. So many people have told me that they see God working in great ways through this trial in my life... that they see him preparing me for something big that's still ahead of me. But when it comes down to it, I have the most difficult time seeing that for myself when I'm laying in bed hurting and feeling sick and miserable. Yet, I still long to be a woman of faith, trusting my God even when I can't see what he's doing through my circumstances.

Thankfully, I have a tremendous bunch of friends who love God and me and are willing to keep pointing me in the right direction even when I'm playing the broken record of my woes to them. As I was sitting in Bible Study the other week, I bore my heart and shared just how low I've been feeling. I asked my friends to pray that I would have the strength to get through all of this and the encouragement I received was something I wasn't expecting (isn't that always the way with God?). A dear friend reminded me of a story in the book of Joshua:

The Israelites were preparing to go into the land that God had promised them. They continued forward trusting a crazy promise that God would get them across the Jordan River, even though they had no boats (not even an inner tube!). When they got to the water's edge and dipped their feet in, the water stopped flowing upriver and the ground dried up in front of them! Pretty cool story, but I'm even more fascinated by what happened next: When they got to the other side, they were told to go back and get twelve stones from the middle of the river. Joshua set them up as a monument there on the other side, so that whenever their children would ask later, "What do these stones mean to you?" they could retell the story of God's great work and faithfulness in their lives (Joshua 3-4).

My friend reminded me that sometimes when we're feeling lost in the midst of difficult circumstances, it does us a lot of good to look back instead of trying to look forward. He encouraged me to focus once again on the milestones of faithfulness God has already laid throughout my life. Well, needless to say, I left that Bible Study nearly in tears, feeling overwhelmed once again that God would provide such encouragement when I was being so faithless. The next day, I set out to remember as many of my own milestones as I could. Here's part of my list:

- God saved me and freed me from my sin when I couldn't do it on my own

- He has given me a loving family that has stood by me, not only through cancer, but through all of my many mistakes (and, believe me, there have been many)

- He has given me several close friends who keep on loving me even when I'm unlovable... and who continue to help me in my walk to know and serve God better

- He has given me a couple precious mentors who have helped guide me along the way

- He has given me truth in his Word to stand on, a firm foundation to build my life upon

- He has taken my life, even my sin, and somehow worked good through it

- He has taken one of the most difficult times in my life (my parents' divorce) and used it to help others through me

- He has given me the strength to get through some of the most emotionally difficult times in my life so far and I've become a stronger person for it

- Three times, he provided me with a car at no cost when I was in need of one and had no money

- Numerous times, he has provided financially for me when I was faithful to give to him first

- He made a way for me to go on two separate mission trips, both of which have shaped a part of who I am today

- He opened up a job for me (one I wasn't qualified for in the beginning) when I desperately needed to make a change to continue moving toward ministry

- He worked out all the details and made a way for me to go back to school and complete my bachelors degree after having failed out the first time around

- He made it possible for me to get to and through surgery, which greatly increased my chances of seeing a day when I'm told I'm cancer free

- He gives me grace and strength to get through each day of treatment

- He continues to heal my body, thus giving me good reports of continued process through treatment...

The list goes on, but you get the drift. I found that just the simple act of looking back like that and seeing the milestones of God's faithfulness in my life has already started to change my perspective about my present and my future. There are still low moments and days. There's still a lot of stress to handle in my life... but once again, I find myself being carried through it all by a God who loves me and is faithful to me in ways I know I don't deserve by my own merit.

I am left speechless at how he loves me and cares for every detail of my life and what I'm going through...

What about you? What are you facing today? Has anything got you down? Are you having a tough time seeing the big picture and finding joy in the midst of your trials? Then I encourage you in the same way my friend encouraged me. Instead of trying to look forward and figure it all out, take some time to look backwards and remind yourself of how faithful and great this God is who would care for you in such real and practical ways. I trust that your milestones will begin to change your heart in the same way mine have for me.

Today...

2009-09-19T11:02:00.002-04:00

Today, I am glad that Christ lives in me.

With the way I'm feeling and all that yesterday turned out to be, I don't have any desire to get up out of bed today...

But because Jesus is living in me, I have motivation to do just that and more. He gives me hope for today because he promises to live through me.

...And that's all the motivation I need!

From the Pit to the Palace

2009-08-12T10:26:00.011-04:00

This past Sunday, I wasn't able to make it to church because I was just hurting too much from surgery and chemo. So, I stayed in bed and spent my morning watching TV preachers as my pain medication had me drifting in and out of sleep. Interestingly, two of the preachers spoke on the same passage back to back... Was God trying to tell me something?

Genesis 37 and the chapters following recount the story of Joseph. Here's a guy who was betrayed by his brothers... thrown into a pit, sold into slavery, wrongfully accused and tossed in prison, and after years of unfair circumstances finally ended up second in command ruling the country. Some story, huh? If you're not familiar with it, you should go read it sometime. There were several lessons from Joseph's life that really spoke to me while I listened to those two pastors last Sunday.

First, God had promised Joseph that he would be lifted up, but before that could happen, his brothers became jealous of him and threw him into a dried up cistern. Can you imagine the questions that ran through Joseph's head while he was sitting at the bottom of that pit... what happened to the promises you made me, God? This isn't what I expected! How does this fit into the big picture? God, where are you in all of this? What's going on? ...Some of the same questions, I must admit, have crossed my mind through treatment.

Well, I was reminded that God definitely knew what he was doing when he allowed Joseph to sit there in that pit. He hadn't left him alone in the midst of his bad circumstances. In fact, God was using all of those circumstances to shape Joseph. Remember, Joseph went all the way from that pit to the palace... but God's way of getting him there was through the prison. No matter how long and difficult his circumstances were, God was hard at work through it all!

I was reminded that I don't have to dread those times of breakdown in my life. I can even thank God for the breakdown because he uses times like that so I can breakout of old shells and breakthrough to better things. The lesson is - it doesn't matter how deep your pit is because God is using it to prepare you for what he has prepared for you! God doesn't cause the bad circumstances in our lives, but he does use them to accomplish his purposes for us. What an encouragement at a very low point in my life!

It was a reminder I needed to hear. You see, when I'm feeling terrible physically, it's really difficult for me to be positive emotionally. It's like I'm lost in a forest of trees and I just can't rise up enough to see the big picture all around me. So, I was encouraged to remember that God is at work in my difficult circumstances... even though I often don't see it from my vantage point.

Second, there's a phrase that comes up several times throughout Joseph's story: "and the Lord was with Joseph...." No matter what the circumstances, good or bad, we're reminded that the Lord was with Joseph through it all. If you read Joseph's story, you'll see that God was with him, he was walking beside him, he was working for him, and he was witnessing through him every step of the way. Whatever our circumstances are, we are promised that God is always with his children and always working through their circumstances. The question is: are you under your circumstances or under the God who is over your circumstances? Are we going to respond to the circumstances that look like they're in control or to the promises of God who is in control?

Again, it was a reminder I desperately needed to hear. At this point in my life, it certainly seems like my circumstances are out of control and it's easy to come to the conclusion that nothing good is going to come from it all. Yet, God's promises remain true. Every day, I must decide what I will focus on and believe: my circumstances or God's promises.

There was one final thing that impacted me this past Sunday while I listened to those TV preachers: While everything on the outside may be all bad, everything on the inside is alright because God is with me. Going through treatment is a very difficult thing. The circumstances in which I find myself definitely aren't what I would ever ask for... but because God is with me through it, truly, I can say it is well with my soul...

Seems like God was trying to tell me something after all!

The Well and the Trenches

2009-08-08T14:49:00.005-04:00

When I was a kid, I spent almost every summer day swimming at the Towamencin township pool. It was always a flurry of activity and noise with kids running around, jumping, and laughing... splashing, diving, and playing their summer days away. Going to the pool was the highlight of my summer.

There was one place amidst all the noise that was different, though. It was in the well. The well was the deepest part of the pool - twelve whole feet. It was where the diving boards were... and where we were not allowed to swim unless it was closed off for the ever illusive fifteen minutes of "well swim." During well swim, my friends and I would play one game and one game only - "Who can get down to the bottom and stay down at the bottom the longest?"

Looking back, it was a surreal kind of experience. There would be all sorts of noise and activity above the water, but as soon as I began swimming down to the bottom all the noise disappeared. All the activity stopped. Suddenly, I found myself in a world all alone... and the pressure of the ever deepening water around me bore down on me more and more. At the bottom of the well, I had a very real sense that there was a whole world of activity going on above me, but I was distinctly not a part of it. I was twelve feet under fighting with ears popping and head throbbing, unable to take a breath. I was struggling alone to win.

...That is very much like what one round of chemo feels like. My head is not right, my body is not right, and I am distinctly aware that there is a whole world moving along outside my bedroom door. I am just completely disconnected from it - twelve feet under waiting for that moment I pop back up to take in another breath.

That's what one treatment feels like. Six treatments in a row - that's another story entirely.

Going through a series of chemo treatments feels much like what I imagine being on a battle field to be. Helmet on, I jump in the first trench and bury my face in the dirt just waiting for the barrage of bullets to stop skimming over my head. As soon as the fire stops, I jump up and run with all my might, legs pounding and heart racing, praying that I'll make it to the next trench alive. Next thing I know, I'm diving back into another trench, dirt and sweat pouring down my face as the bullets begin to fly again. Then back up again. Duck and run, duck and run... it feels like a never-ending fight to get through to the end. Again, it's as if the whole world exists apart from me. All I can do, all I can focus on is getting through from one treatment to the next.

It's exhausting - both physically and emotionally.

It may sound like I'm being overly dramatic. I'm sure in some ways I am. Yet, the reality is that I'm standing in a place where I should be able to rejoice over the awesome strides I've made so far in fighting this disease.... However, all I can think of is the fact that I'm scheduled for six more treatments, which will take me all the way through November. I looked at my calendar today and cried because I simply don't want to do it anymore. I can't believe I have four more months of chemotherapy to go through! I just know I don't have the strength to make it. I know I don't...

So, I find myself in a place of sorrow for the moment, knowing that I'll make it through the same way I did in phase one - by the grace and strength that God gives me one day at a time - but still not wanting to go through all that is before me. I'm weary and I'm only at the beginning of phase two.

Your continued prayers are much appreciated...

What Can't My God Do?

2009-08-03T23:41:00.005-04:00

I'm posting to you from Room #613 at St. Luke's Hospital. I'm now three full days out of surgery and finally in a coherent enough frame of mind to post the results of Friday's surgery:

My doctor said that surgery went better than he had expected, meaning that once he got inside my belly, he found less disease than he thought he would. He was able to remove the primary mass in a radical hysterectomy, along with any cancerous lymph nodes he was able to see.

Finally (and this is the interesting part), there was one tumor, which had spread from the primary mass, that he expected would be small enough to remove as well. He ended up not removing it at all because when he got a closer look during surgery, he found that the tumor was gone from the last round of chemo. All that was left was scar tissue! Now, I ask you... what can't my God do?!?

I still have a very long road ahead of me - with three to six more chemo treatments planned and then radiation after that. I'm still far from being out of the woods, but this surgery was really a landmark event!

My doctor was thrilled that we had made it to this point and it wasn't until just recently that I began to really understand the gravity of his joy. He had made a comment to me in a past appointment that, had we not gotten to this point of being able to remove the primary mass in surgery, my cancer would have been much more difficult to deal with. In a recent conversation with him, I asked him to expand on that original comment. He shared with me that, in the beginning, my cancer was so bad that he was worried we would not even make it to the point where we could do surgery... and had that been the case, not only would the cancer be much harder to deal with in the present, but the chances of it recurring in the future would be that much greater. The bottom line is - we'd most likely be having conversations about the quality and length of my life going forward.

Truly, this surgery was a milestone event!

With my doctor repeatedly using phrases like "remarkable improvement" and "unbelievable progress," I know that I haven't made it to this point just as a result the medicines that I've been taking. I know that God's hand has been in this process in a very real way, giving wisdom to my doctor and making it possible for my body to respond so very well to treatment.

So... I ask you again, "What can't my God do?!?"

Zephaniah 3:17 ~ "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Up the Volume

2009-07-17T17:41:00.007-04:00

I'm normally not one to publicly promote foundations, but this is something really important to me, so I'm asking you to please take a few minutes to check out this new foundation that is very close to my heart.

Naturally, gynecologic cancers, their treatment, and cure have become important issues to me over the past several months as I've faced my own struggles with being diagnosed and treated for stage 4 uterine cancer.

Dr. Silver, my gynecologic oncologist from St. Luke's Hospital in Bethlehem, PA, has recently developed a new foundation, called Up the Volume (http://www.upthevolume.org/), to not only raise awareness about gynecologic cancers, but also to fund the kind of large-scale, non-biased clinical trials that have the greatest potential for positively impacting women suffering with these cancers. His desire is to raise the standard of care in gynecological oncology and improve the lives of women facing these terrible diseases.

Consider the following quote from the website: "We pledge to up the volume on gynecologic cancers. Our primary goal is to raise and allocate funds for major research aimed at preventing, detecting and treating these silent killers of women near to us and around the world. Additionally, public awareness about gynecologic cancers and their effects on women must be elevated. By advancing knowledge and awareness we will improve the length and quality of the lives of women afflicted with gynecologic cancers. Ultimately we will eradicate these deadly diseases. We must up the volume!"

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If you have any interest at all, please check out Up the Volume at http://www.upthevolume.org/. You can be of help in two ways:

1) Spread the news and share this website with anyone you think might have an interest in the foundation.

2) Consider making a tax-deductible donation to the foundation. There is a simple, downloadable PDF donation form on the website that you can fill out to make your donation by check or credit card. You can even make a donation in my honor if you wish! Every little bit will help to up the volume!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to consider this very important foundation. If you have any questions or would like to talk further about these matters, please feel free to email me at cbchlk@ptd.net.

What News!

2009-07-16T17:21:00.006-04:00

Today was the "big day."

Actually, I didn't go into my appointment today with any great hopes or expectations. I knew that I had the potential of hearing something as great as, "there's no more cancer in your lungs" or as bad as, "the cancer's not responding to chemotherapy anymore and is spreading"... though I was pretty confident that the truth would turn out to be somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. Hence, I didn't put much stock in today being a landmark day.

Well, I was wrong... very wrong! The first thing my doctor said when he came into the exam room was, "I've got some good news to discuss with you." (That's always a great start!) He read straight from the results of my PET scan and I sat in disbelief for a moment as I heard, "The primary uterine mass is responding positively to chemotherapy and continues to shrink. The lesions in the lungs are also responding positively to treatment and have continued to shrink. There is no visible cancer in the lungs at this time."

Did you hear that? No visible cancer in the lungs! Praise God!

I have some scarring in my lungs, but that's normal. My doctor also told me that I most likely still have some microscopic cancer in my lungs that is undetectable with the PET scan, so we will still need to continue with chemotherapy in phase two of my treatment plan to make sure there's absolutely nothing left.

I thought the news about my lungs would be the only big news of the morning and yet, I was wrong again. My doctor continued to tell me that we've definitely made it to a point where we can schedule surgery. Now, this isn't new news to me. I had already been informed that surgery would probably be the next step, so there was no shock there. It was the way he told me that threw me off.

From the beginning, my doctor has been very honest with me about how serious my condition is. He has said things like, "we're really far behind the eight ball," "we have a lot of work to do," "this is very serious," and "the statistics don't lie, but we will walk with you through the whole process." He's never once said to me, "you're going to be just fine" or "you're going to get through this with no problem." He (thankfully) has never given me any false hope in my journey with stage 4 cancer.

But today, there was something just a little bit different about how he shared his thoughts. He expressed to me that in the beginning my cancer was so bad that he wasn't even sure we would ever make it to the point where he could perform surgery. He said that had I not responded so well to treatment I would be looking at a much, much, much more difficult process of trying to deal with this cancer. It would have been a very different story indeed.

That statement combined with the very serious tone in which he candidly shared his thoughts simply overwhelmed me. I sat on the couch silent for a moment (which is very uncommon for me)... until my doctor felt the need to remind me that this is all very good news.

I just wasn't expecting news of any real consequence, let alone such great news! All this time, I had taken for granted that surgery was the next logical step in the process. Yet today I found out that my doctor (who, may I remind you, deals with this stuff all day every day) is thrilled with the fact that we'll be able to go into surgery next. In his words, my progress has been "unbelievable!" At the time, I was in too much shock to even form words beyond the questions I had already written down for him... but I look forward to sharing the Source of my "unbelievable" progress with him the next time we talk!

Matthew 19:26 ~ "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible!"

Go check out the story in which Jesus makes that statement. It's in Matthew 19:16-30. Jesus is talking about what it takes to get to heaven (it all boils down to following him, you know)... but as I read that story I figure that if my God is big enough to save my soul - He's also big enough to heal my body! I can't even begin to express how thankful I am that through technology, medicine, and a wonderfully knowledgeable doctor, God is right now in the process of ridding my body of cancer. Again I say, "Praise the Lord!"

So, here's the breakdown of what's coming next in Phase Two:

~ Friday, July 31st, I'll have a radical hysterectomy and my doctor will see if he can remove the tumor that has spread in my reproductive organs from the primary mass. I'll most likely be in the hospital for three to five days and my recovery time will be somewhere in the range of four to six weeks.
~ Before I leave the hospital after surgery, I'll get the first of three more chemotherapy treatments. Since I responded so well to the chemotherapy I received in Phase One, we're going to continue with the same treatment. I'll have an overnight stay in the hospital every three weeks, which will take me into September.
~ After the third treatment, I'll go in for another PET scan. At that time, my doctor will determine whether or not I'll need more chemotherapy.
~ Once I'm done with chemotherapy, we'll move into radiation. My doctor is still saying that I'll most likely have two types of radiation done (both external and internal). It sounds like radiation treatments will take me into the winter, but that's too far out to really be able to say definitively.

What we can say is this: So far, I am well on the road to getting better...

There's one last piece of great news I received today. I asked my doctor about where he thinks I'll be by the end of February. I assumed that he would say that's too far away to be able to tell, but I had to ask anyway. You see, right at the time when all of my medical issues began this past February, I was scheduled to go on a missions trip to Haiti. I was so excited to return to an orphanage called the House of Hope to see Jenny, Linda, St. Germaine and all the kids. I was eager to help their ministry in any way I could and just love on the kids with the heart of Jesus... but at the last minute, I had to back out because I was experiencing too much pelvic pain to make the trip. Since I wasn't able to go visit them, all of those kids down in Haiti have been praying for me right along through my journey with cancer. I want so badly to be able to go see them and share all that God has done for me through this trial. They have so little in this world and yet they are so full of the joy of the Lord! I want them to be reminded that God is always with his children through any struggle we may face in this life.

Needless to say, I've been praying that I would be able to join the team planning to go to Haiti again this upcoming February... so I very tentatively asked my doctor if he thought it might be a possibility for me at that time based on how I've responded to treatment so far. Again, I was quite sure he would say that it's way too early to tell... but he didn't! He said that I should definitely begin to make plans to go! I may not even be in treatment by that time and even if I am we should be able to schedule things so I can make the trip. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he said that! It was all I could do to keep my composure enough to not hug the poor man right then and there!

What a day... what answers to prayer... what wonderful news!

Philippians 4:4 ~ "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"

So Marks the End of Phase One

2009-07-13T22:43:00.003-04:00

I had my third PET scan today, which marks the official end of Phase One of my treatment. (Needless to say, I'm looking forward to getting some semblance of a break before moving into Phase Two.)

I meet with my doctor this Thursday to get the results of the scan. Please pray that my lungs are clear of all cancer! That would be really wonderful news to me because the less distant cancer I've got, the less chemotherapy I'll have to do in Phase Two. I'll also find out what the plans will be for the next stage of my treatment, so I'll post those details when I get them.

By the way, thanks for your continued prayers. I've been uplifted and truly blessed to hear of so many of you praying for me. Trust me when I say that you're definitely making a difference as I wait on the Lord through this time!

The Best Teacher

2009-07-05T13:42:00.007-04:00

Well, I've made it through phase one of treatment and am feeling like I can finally look up and take stock of all that's happened in the past four months. To be honest, it feels a bit anti-climatic. I'm at a place where I feel like I'll never be done with treatment and life will never be normal again... but I'm trusting -no hoping desperately- that's not the case.

So, since the very nature of this long process has me feeling like I'm not making leaps and bounds physically, I started to consider all that I've learned through this experience... and, boy, have I learned some things so far!

I know that I'm not near the end of this journey, so I take hope in the fact that God is still working through it - even when I don't feel or see his work myself. I've come to a real appreciation of the fact that it's always harder to see the beauty of all the strokes in the big picture when you're standing right smack dab in front of the painting.

I've also learned patience in a new way. As crazy as it sounds, there's something comforting and even freeing about being able to rest in the hands of a sovereign God when you just simply can't have answers for the future. I've been told that I seem somehow resigned or less passionate about certain things. I can assure you that's certainly not the case! I've just found a new peace in knowing that no matter what comes of tomorrow... whether it's good or bad... I can trust God in it (at least I know that for today - something's telling me that's a lesson I'll be learning over and over again in the years to come).

I know that, even though I don't feel like I'm making a difference for God through this time in my life, everything I do speaks to the One in whom I've placed my trust to get me through. I've learned anew that what matters really isn't what's going on in my life; what matters is what I do with what's going on in my life. Whether I see it or not, I have faith that God is at work in it all and it's all an opportunity to be a witness for him.

I've also learned in a new way that the times in which we grow the most are always the difficult ones. It just seems to be a principle of life that we don't learn things as well when everything is going smoothly. Adversity gets our attention and tightens our focus. I've come to a belief that God divinely ordains suffering from time to time to do the work in and through us that he otherwise would not be able to. So, how can we balk at the trials in our lives? Yes, they are painful, but they are the fields in which God can stir up our hearts and grow us beyond what and who we are today. How can that be a bad thing in the end?

One more thing I've come to know is this: Through facing this adversity, I've found that I have a resource to draw on in Christ that may never have been realized quite the same way before. Certainly, he was always there... but how often in good times do many of us forget to look to the Lord? Through this deep and long valley in my life, I've learned that Jesus is there for me in a way like I cannot even explain with words. He has given me grace and strength for each day well beyond what I can conjure up on my own. I wish I could say that I feel like I have the strength to face the rest of my treatment with hope and joy, but that would be a lie. All I know is that Jesus has proven himself faithful and has given me what I needed for each day so far and I'm trusting him to continue to do that throughout the remainder of my treatment. The beautiful thing is that his grace doesn't change through good times and bad. It's always there for us to cling to!

I know that God has been growing me through all of this. That's for sure. The very fabric of who I am seems to be shifting into something else entirely. Though I'm still not quite sure what the end product is going to look like, I pray that it more closely resembles my Lord Jesus. That alone would be a lofty enough goal, but God is never one-dimensional in his work. For now, all I can say definitively is that the Potter's wheel and his furnace are still in good working order. I'm placed in them every day.

Before I go, let me be clear about one thing... the lessons I've been learning are not new perse. Rather, God has been peeling back the layers of my heart like an onion... driving me to a deeper understanding of him, myself, my faith, our relationship, and my purpose in this world. This is some crazy journey he has me on with detours I never would have expected, but I take comfort in knowing that he knows where he's going and he still has a good grip on the wheel!

"Prosperity is never a good teacher, but adversity is always an excellent teacher." ~ Dr. David Jeremiah

Weakness and Strength

2009-06-17T17:14:00.003-04:00

I reviewed a wonderful passage in my morning reading today:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 ~ "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Now, this is a passage that I've known and held dear for a long time... but, of course, it meant that much more to me as I read it today. I was reminded that Paul's difficulty, or "thorn", not only kept him from pride; it also was a means by which God's power was displayed... and not just to Paul himself, but to those around him, too.

Paul begged God to take his "thorn" away. Can you imagine him going before the Lord in prayer time and time again asking to be done with his difficulty? Hmm... sounds like someone else I know! Yet, God's firm and repeated answer was no. Why? You'd think that the apostle Paul of all people deserved some relief... but God had other plans. He had a purpose in Paul's trial... and if he keeps saying no to me, then he's got a purpose in my trial, too. Certainly, I would love to have my "thorn" removed (don't think I haven't asked)! However, I know that God is working through it in many ways.

There's something else I remembered when I read this passage today. God's power is made perfect in my weakness. I can't even begin to express how tired I am and I still have such a long way to go through treatment. I just don't think I have the strength to do it... no, I know I don't have the strength to do it. But I think if Jesus was sitting next to me in the flesh right now, he would say it's OK for me to not be strong enough. He would take me in his arms and say it's OK for me to feel weak because that's when I can rest fully on his strength. He will be strong for me!

So, my prayer for today is not only that I will learn what I need to learn through this time; it's also that God's power will be revealed in my weakness both to me and those around me; and that I would have enough faith to simply accept being weak and rest on him to get me through. I know he can!

Still Struggling with a Funk

2009-06-16T11:21:00.022-04:00

I've once again found myself at the end of my emotional rope. Thank God his rope has always proven to be way longer than mine!

The past few days have unexpectedly been really difficult for me... not because of the cancer or even the treatment (though I did push myself way too far physically yesterday, which didn't help matters). A totally random thing surprisingly spun me into a funk and I'm just really having a difficult time emotionally again. Certainly, I know the perspective I should have (just read my last blog)... but yet even after that, I still find my heart breaking within my chest anyway.

It seems that going through this time of trial has kicked up some things in my mind that I think I always pushed to the background before. I'm sure it has to do with the whole priority shift that happens when you receive a major diagnosis like this. I'm sure that it's all part of the emotional roller coaster, too, just the typical ups and downs. In fact, I'm sure that it's all stuff I'll learn and grow from in time... but it's still hard to go through in the moment. I want a break. I want a rest. I want all of this to finally be done and over already!

But, for today, it's not over. For today, I'm still smack in the middle of this whole thing, so I can only assume that God still has some things for me to learn through this trial. He's just not done with me yet!

When I'm down like this, I'm glad that the Lord always seems to speak to my heart in some way. He always comes through with what I need to hear - maybe not in my desired timing, but he always comes through. Today, I found a precious invitation to find my comfort in him through a song, whose lyrics were written in a book I'm reading:

I Am
by Jill Phillips

Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a Mother while you rest.
The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through Past, the same in Future,
Same Today.

Oh weary, tired and worn
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
'Cause Mine is light.
I know you through and through
There's no need to hide.
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide.

For I am constant.
I am near.
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears.
I am holy.
I am wise.
I'm the only One, who knows your heart's desires.

Oh gently lay your head upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a Mother
While you rest.

Thank you, God, that you know the secret pains and yearnings of my heart - those things I can't even bring myself to write down or speak out loud. Thank you that you still love me deeply. Thank you that you long to be my comfort and my healer, even when I struggle to turn to you first... and thank you for pursuing me still.

Psalm 62:5 ~ "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him."

Remember Rwanda

2009-06-14T14:37:00.005-04:00

Seems like an odd title for a blog written by a girl with cancer, but God uses all sorts of things to speak to our hearts.

I just finished my fifth treatment this week and only have one more scheduled to go before surgery and then... more treatment. I've gotten to the point now where I've been pretty beaten down emotionally by this whole process. I'm just sick of being sick and I'm tired of constantly feeling like garbage. Right now, it feels like it's is never going to end. I was pretty bummed out about it yesterday until I happened to catch a short TV show on the Rwandan genocide of 1994.

Boy, it's amazing what a little perspective will do for you! Until last night, I was your typical ignorant American (and I'm sure I'm not much better today). Other than being familiar with the country's name, I was virtually unaware of the travesties that have gone on over the years in Rwanda. As I watched the screen, my jaw dropped aghast. I saw images of churches where thousands upon thousands of people were brutally slaughtered. Blood and bullet holes still litter the meager buildings... and bones are not just scattered - they're piled up feet thick, so you can't even see the floor. Mass graves dot the landscape and many today are still reeling from the horrific event. People were not just assassinated; they were brutally tortured. In a matter of 100 days, upwards of 100,000 people were killed... simply for being part of a particular ethnic or political group. That's somewhere near 20% of the country's total population!

Unbelievable! It deadens the senses to hear something like that. It's just unimaginable that such evil could be wrought by the hands of man. But it was... and I am no fool. I know the heart of man and I know that Rwanda was not the only place where this kind of evil occurred. Worse yet, I know that things like this continue throughout the world today.

Yet, there is beauty in the story of Rwanda. There are believers. There are believers who, even in the aftermath of such tremendous loss and suffering, choose to lift their hands up to the God of heaven and praise his name. They choose to trust that he loves them, cares for them, and has a plan for them even now. What a beautiful display of the work of the Holy Spirit... that life and joy can still flow where death once ruled.

I've never been to Rwanda, but I've been to Ecuador and Haiti. I've seen and smelled poverty first hand. I care deeply for real people who live in a world where just one year of school or a simple pig costs a full year's wages... where the kind of medical technology I take for granted is unheard of. Yet, I still found myself sitting in my comfortable home yesterday, whining about how I feel.

What if I had been born in a country like Haiti or Rwanda instead of America? Where would I be today? I know a few things: I would still be in debilitating pain and I would have no means of even providing food for myself because of it. I would have no hope for the future and I would be waiting around for death to take me.

But I'm not in that position. I live in a country where freedom and medical technology abound. I have the opportunity to see a wonderful doctor who has taken the best care of me... and though the medicines make me feel sicker than I've ever felt in my life - they're working! I have hope for today and for the future. God has provided for my every need during this trial! How dare I take his blessings for granted? Shame on me...

...And shame on you, too. So many of us sit in our pristine ivory towers thinking our world is so "difficult". Is it really? Absolutely not! We forget that there is a very fine line that separates us from those tragic stories we hear about on TV - and that line is not guaranteed to us. We in America are blessed beyond imagination and we don't deserve it any more than anyone else. So, the next time you feel like complaining about having to work hard or dealing with some kind of stress or difficulty in your life, I implore you... Remember Rwanda!

A little shift in perspective would do us all a lot of good.

Life vs. Death

2009-06-09T14:18:00.004-04:00

There’s something I’ve been wanting to get off my chest:

An interesting, yet disturbing thing seems to happen when you’re diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Death suddenly becomes a very real thing and everyone around you seems to be acutely aware of it.

Now, as I’ve learned, everyone responds to this reality in a different way. For example, some people hear the phrase “stage 4 cancer” and immediately urge family members to be sure that I have a will and funeral plans in place (as if I already have one foot firmly panted in the grave and the other on a banana peel). Others fear that their time with me may be limited and they try to cherish every passing moment. Yet others pity me and look at me like I’m a poor lost puppy with a broken leg. Still, there are those precious few friends who treat me like… me (and, oh, how thankful I am for them)!

Here’s the thing: I’m tired of focusing on cancer and death. It’s depressing! I already spend enough time feeling horrible from the medications. When I’m feeling better, all I want to do is live my life.

Besides, I’ve been thinking: Death belongs to Satan. Life belongs to Christ.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” ~ John 10:10

Satan would love for me to get myopic in my vision and become depressed about my circumstances. He’d love for me to stop living my life and only think about the possibility of death. Really, his end goal is for me to become purposeless and stop making an impact in this world for Christ.

Yet at the same time, my heavenly Father knows very well what my circumstances are. He’s the one who allowed them in the first place. In fact, I believe this cancer was ordained by God to accomplish his will. To that end, he is always desiring that I would be focused on life and living it to the full as he designed it! God has a plan for me… and I’m positive it doesn’t include giving in, pitying myself, and sitting around waiting to die. There are far better things I can be doing with my time.

Still, I can understand that it’s very easy to get focused on disease and death in the midst of such a major diagnosis. It would be easy to let cancer define my life and define me, but I do not believe that this is how God defines me… and if God doesn’t define me in that manner, then I certainly shouldn’t either! Sure, I’m a cancer patient. From the moment I was diagnosed, my life unalterably changed and will never be the same again. That is a fact...

…But every single day, I have a choice to make. Will I focus on my illness or will I focus on my life? Will I get self-absorbed or will I seek to bless others around me? Will I give in, give up, pity myself, and wait for death or will I choose to live life to the fullest and seek to fulfill God’s plan for my life in the midst of whatever circumstances I may be facing at the time?

That’s easy… I choose life! How about you?

Considering the Birds

2009-06-08T21:35:00.007-04:00

As I sit in the hospital contemplating the past three weeks, I've come to realize that this past treatment cycle was the worst physically. It was also the worst emotionally... but God is good and his promise to be close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) is ever true!

After feeling horribly sick and dealing with some pretty scary symptoms during the week, I finally started to feel better by last weekend and was hopeful that this past week would be better... that is until I walked to the mailbox!

I had been told that my application for Medical Assistance was as good as approved; they just needed me and my gynecologist to complete one form. I handed that form in on Friday and on Saturday, I received a declination letter in the mail. It said I was declined for Medical Assistance due to an excess of income and and excess of resources (even though the medical bills I have already accrued far exceed my annual gross salary combined with my little bit of savings)!

Needless to say, it was the last straw for me last week. I knew that there were other options I could pursue. I knew that God knows my needs, has a plan, and wants to provide for me. Yet, so much of this journey has been so difficult! I just wanted so badly for this one thing to work out the easy way, but it seemed that would not be the case.

I decided to go sit in my new favorite location at the parsonage... the front deck. I cried for a while (I am a woman, you know), but when I finally calmed myself down and just sat there soaking in the sun and enjoying the beautiful blue sky and the tall, unusually green trees, God began to speak to my heart.

A couple of birds flew across the sky from one tree to another...

"Consider the birds," he reminded me. "They do not sow or reap. They have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them! And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" ~ Luke 12:24-26

I looked down at my little vegetable garden...

"Consider how the lilies grow," he continued. "They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!" ~ Luke 12:27-28

My heart melted. O me of little faith! It wasn't that I had been angry at God. It wasn't that I didn't think it was going to eventually work out somehow. It was just that I wanted it to work out my way and in my timing. I was upset that it wasn't happening the way I wanted it. I was immediately convicted of my selfish and short-sighted attitude.

I know God has a purpose in all the difficulties I face. I know he wants to teach me, shape me, and reveal himself to me. My faith... my obedience was being tested in a real way. Would I trust God or would I worry and be upset?

By a sheer force of my will, I determined one thing: Every time I started to get upset, I would simply choose to consider the birds of the air instead.

- Post Script -

The ironic thing is that by this past Tuesday, I got a call saying that I actually was approved for Medical Assistance! It all hinged on that one form. I just didn't get it in soon enough because I was so sick the week before. Once my case worker had that form in hand, she was able to go back and approve my application!

I don't know yet what my coverage will be, but what a wonderful answer to prayer! What a wonderful God we serve! All along, he knew exactly what his plan was. All along, he was allowing that temporarily bad news by his sovereign plan, so he could work something even greater in me! Can you imagine what a fool I would have felt like if I had spent the weekend upset about something that only days later worked itself out with no effort on my part?!?

So, I ask you this... what is going on in your life that has you worried or upset? Remember, it all comes down to trust and obedience. Will you choose to consider the birds of the air?

Answer to Prayer

2009-05-29T23:15:00.005-04:00

Just a quick update...

My blood work today came back much better and I didn't need a transfusion. Turns out it was all an error in how the labs were done. Praise God for answered prayer!

Now I just have to continue regaining my strength before my next treatment on Monday, June 8th...

A Quick Prayer Request

2009-05-28T19:22:00.002-04:00

I ended up getting terribly sick this week and spent the last two days in bed... but this morning, I dragged myself out of the house to go have breakfast (or at least eat a few bites of breakfast) with several of my dearest girlfriends to celebrate my birthday. It was wonderful! I was in pain and struggled a lot with light-headedness, but I cherished our time of fellowship together. What a blessing it is to have friends like that who understand your heart and still love you through thick and thin!

Afterwards, I had to head down to St. Luke's to get my post-chemo blood work done. At this point, this has become a mundane task for me. Today, however, it turned out to be anything but normal. By the time I was back in the Poconos, I had gotten a call from the Infusion Center telling me that I had to come back to get my blood drawn again. My hemoglobin levels came back critically low. They suspect that an error may have occurred, like saline getting into the tube diluting my blood, but they can't be sure. With how sick I was this week and how bad I'm still feeling, I'm hesitant to believe that it was all just an error.

So, tomorrow morning, I head back down to St. Luke's to have blood drawn again. If my hemoglobin is as low as it showed in my labs today, I will have to get a transfusion. If not, I'll be sent home to continue recovering for the next week before treatment #5.

Please pray that my hemoglobin levels come back alright tomorrow and I don't need a transfusion! While you're at it, you can also pray that I continue to regain my strength after being so sick. I'm really tired of not feeling well and am just eager to get back to life as usual before my next treatment. Thank you!

Refiner's Fire

2009-05-25T11:12:00.004-04:00

"Remove the dross from the silver and out comes material for the silversmith."
~ Proverbs 25:4

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
~ 1 Peter 1:3-7

I only have one thing to say...

The hotter the fire, the better the gold!

Knowing You...

2009-05-24T16:28:00.010-04:00

Allow me to open the curtain for you on a day in the life of Heather post-treatment:

The week right after treatment is never any fun. This week has been no exception, but I was determined that it wouldn't stop me from doing what is most important to me. I forfeited my birthday this weekend because I wasn't feeling well (no big deal... I just made plans for next weekend instead), but I wasn't about to forfeit going to church. My body had other ideas in mind this morning, but I just wasn't listening. I was bound and determined to make it to church! Even if it meant that I had to sit down in my bedroom three times before I could get downstairs (and I did)... even if it meant that I had to sit down on the steps right outside my kitchen door before I could walk across the street (and I did)... I was getting myself to church! I was prepared to sit down in the middle of the street if came down to it (though, thankfully, I didn't have to do that)!

All I want is to feel well enough to do the things I want to do... and this morning, that thing was church! You see, after treatment, my white blood cell and red blood cell counts go very low. This results in feelings of exhaustion, light-headedness, and a complete inability to do much of anything (note: this sentence might just be the understatement of the year). Just walking across the street becomes a workout that makes me almost pass out. It's ridiculous!

As I walked into church this morning, I was feeling so frustrated that I didn't have the energy to really "be there." Immediately upon walking in the door, I saw a couple of very dear friends (an old Youth Group graduate and her husband), but I couldn't even muster up the simple energy to show my excitement over seeing them. I'm sure I looked absolutely horrible when I sat down because another one of my Youth Group graduates told me that he wished he could carry me back and forth, so I wouldn't have to walk to church on my own. How pathetic must I have looked for him to say that?!? Church began and I couldn't even stay standing through the opening hymn! My frustration was definitely building, but as much as it was upsetting me, I was bent on trying to just stay thankful for simply being there worshiping with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I fought my way through the service, just trying my best to stay focused even though I was feeling drugged and just wanted to go lay down to get rid of the feeling that I was going to pass out. My frustration continued to build when I didn't even have the ability to simply sing out loud during worship. I was grateful that I had listened to a message on what makes true worship this morning before church. It came in handy as I reminded myself that true worship isn't style, but substance. I kept telling myself that, even though I couldn't get the words out, God knew my heart and my heart was still worshiping! I was starting to feel a little bit better...

...Then the song came. It's one we've sung in church probably hundreds of times. It's one that's always meant something very special to me. Yet today, it took on a whole new meaning as I sat there battling my way through worship:

Knowing You

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know You more
To be found in You and know as Yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Oh to know the power of Your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like You in Your death, my Lord
So with You to live and never die

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

As I did my best to sing this song along with the rest of the congregation, I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. The words I had sung hundreds of times before suddenly became real to me in a new way. Truly, all I once thought gain I have now counted as loss. All I once built my life upon suddenly doesn't matter anymore. When everything else is stripped away, the only thing that matters is knowing Jesus. He suffered more than I could know and gave everything to give me eternal life. How could my one desire not be to know him more?

Yet, how do we come to know him more if we don't go through some very deep valleys? How would I have come to cherish worship as much as I did this morning if I hadn't had to fight my way there in the first place? In this life, it is far too easy to take things for granted... and it is far too easy to get caught up in that which simply does not matter. Dealing with something as major as cancer has been the most difficult thing I've faced in this life, yet it has been a blessing. Yes... you read that right... cancer has been a blessing. It has helped me to start stripping away all that extra veneer, even those things that were good, and focus in on what is really best. I now count myself tremendously blessed simply to know God, to be loved by him, and to be able to worship him freely.

Cancer has taught me a lot. I've learned to not be so aggravated by little things like bad traffic and scheduling mishaps. I've learned to reconsider my priorities and strive to live each day with a focus on what God thinks is important, not what I think is important. I've learned that there is precious little of real value in this life and I am thankful to simply be able to cling to those truly important things.

Here's the reality: No matter what it takes, no matter how much I have to struggle or suffer, all that matters is that I know Jesus more. It doesn't matter what I have to go through to get there; it only matters that I do. My prayer is that I will continue to know him more deeply through this journey with cancer... and I'm sure that God will continue to answer that prayer in wonderful (though sometimes painful and difficult) ways!

The Half-Way Mark

2009-05-14T18:06:00.003-04:00

Three chemo treatments down... three more to go...

Now that I've made it to the half-way mark, I had a PET/CT scan done to see exactly how I'm progressing. Today, I got the results and what great results they were!

Here's the breakdown:

- There is still cancer in my pelvic lymph nodes, but there is no sign of cancer in my right kidney anymore.
- Some of the spots in my lungs have completely disappeared. What is left has shrunken significantly.
- The cancer in my pelvic region has also shrunken significantly.
- In addition to the cancer shrinking, the cancer that remains is also being affected by the chemo. It's not showing up on the scan as strongly as it originally did in my first scan and it's not actively growing.
- When the doctor did his physical exam, he said that he could tell that what had spread in my reproductive organs has shrunken significantly. He also said that this is the first time that he feels like he should be able to remove all the cancer in my pelvic region once we get to the surgery stage... if I keep progressing this well through the remainder of my chemotherapy.
- Overall, my doctor said that he's very pleased with my progress... and I'm only half-way through my treatments!

Isn't that wonderful? God is so good! I may not have gotten my prayers answered exactly the way I was hoping, but all this is certainly good news and I got additional good news that I wasn't expecting! Plus, knowing that the treatments have been this effective so far certainly makes it a little easier to face my next three treatments.

Thank you so much for your prayers and please... keep them coming!

Prayer Request

2009-05-06T22:28:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow morning I go in for my second PET/CT scan. There won't be much of note actually going on during the scan, but I'd like to ask everyone to pray with me for the results. I'm half way through my chemo treatments and this scan will give us a definitive look at how things have progressed so far.

I'm hoping in faith that the cancer that has spread to the distant sites (my lungs and right kidney) is completely gone. I'm also hoping that the cancer that has spread in my reproductive organs from the primary mass is shrinking considerably. These requests are bold considering I'm only at the half-way mark, but I know that my God can do amazing things. Please pray with me that he will!

I'll get the results next Thursday, the 14th, when I go in to see my doctor to be cleared for treatment #4...

Motorcycle Meditations

2009-04-28T16:00:00.032-04:00

My recent slump has proven to be a blessing in disguise. Isn't that just how God works?

I had to figure out why I was so enveloped with sadness and that forced me to wrestle with some big questions. As I pondered what was going on in my heart, some important pieces of the puzzle came together for me. I realized that I was not only having a difficult time dealing with the adjustment of living with cancer, but more so I was struggling with not being able to do much of what I had filled my days with prior to my diagnosis and treatment. I found myself facing a sense of loss, a real void in my life, having to contend with this exorbitant amount of unfilled hours in each day... and it was pulling me into a deep sense of sadness.

You see, I'm used to putting far more on my plate than could ever be accomplished in just one day. In the midst of which, I would often add to my stress by comparing myself to my peers in ministry. I've spent countless hours berating myself for not putting in as much time as other Youth Workers say they do or for not having as many big activities and events planned as some of them. Somehow, no matter how hard I would push myself, I never seemed to live up to my own standards. Needless to say, I'm used to waking up and going to sleep with my mind racing through all the things I feel I need to accomplish in the next 24 hours. Yet, now that I've been diagnosed with cancer, I've had to pass off much of my weekly responsibilities to my (totally awesome) volunteer team. I find myself waking up most days wondering, "what am I going to do with all the hours in today now?" That is frustrating, to say the least, for someone like me who is so driven!

As I struggled with this new-found and undesired void in my days, I became sadder and sadder as I missed the activity and busy-ness of ministry life. I came to realize that my excess of unfilled hours had gotten me to the point where I had slipped into feeling useless and purposeless. Not good!

Well, like I said before, a couple of really caring friends got my motorcycle up and running for me a little over a week ago. We went out riding and, though I originally felt like I was being unwise and wasting time, it turned out to be the best thing I could have done. First off, it was the most normal I've felt in months. While I was on my bike, I wasn't Heather, the cancer patient. I wasn't Heather, the Youth Director. I was just Heather, God's child enjoying his creation. I hadn't felt like myself like that in so long. What a gift! Second, it was a great time for me to ponder on some of my struggles and questions, as well as Scripture and God's promises.

I began to exercise my brain over the question of my usefulness and purpose in life. I started to process through some fundamental questions... ones that I already had answers to, but I felt like I had to revisit and dig deeper on. So, I got to thinking about the question, "what really is my purpose?" For so long, my knee-jerk answer to that was Youth Ministry... but now, I can't do Youth Ministry the way I was doing it before (note, I'm not saying that I can't do it at all... it's just different and not so life-absorbing). As I tried to answer this fundamental question of purpose, I began to realize that over the years, I had somehow unknowingly blended my calling and my purpose together. I have a calling to "do" Youth Ministry, but it came to me on that beautiful motorcycle ride that if, for some reason, I couldn't ever do Youth Ministry again, I would not suddenly be without purpose!

So then, what is my purpose? The simple answer, the one that immediately came to mind, is this: "Man’s chief and highest end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever" (from the Westminster Catechism)... but what does that really mean? How do I live out that purpose? Do I really believe that? I mean, I might say I do, but whether or not I live it out in my daily actions proves whether or not I truly believe it or if it's just lip service. And finally, do I just believe it because it's been taught to me for years now... or is it really a truth that stands on Scripture? Ah.. the deep ponderings of life!

Being on the bike, I couldn't manage to come up with a concise verse off the top of my head that spelled out the answers to those questions and I couldn't go search for it either. So, I ended up pondering over some of the great people of the Bible.... guys like Abraham, David, and Noah. I got to wondering, "what was it about them that pleased the Lord?" Abraham was credited with righteousness; David was called a man after God's own heart; and Noah was one of the only people God considered worth saving through the great flood. So, what was it about them that pleased God?

Well, Romans says that Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness (Rom. 4:3). Then there was David... he was all over the place with his faith! In several of his psalms, he railed against God when he was upset, but then submitted to him again when he realized he was wrong; he committed adultery, but was still called a man after God's own heart (Acts 13:22)! Noah believed God when he was given ridiculous instructions to obey (Gen. 7:1-5). (I can just imagine him saying, "You want me to build a what... an ark? OK, Lord, whatever you say!"). The more I thought about it, the more I realized that God wasn't pleased with any of these guys because of what they did for him... he was pleased with Abraham's righteousness, David's desire, and Noah's belief. It was all about their hearts... what they did for God - their actions - simply served to prove what was already in their hearts (check out James 2:18).

It was all starting to come together for me, but I still had one important question to hash out: When it comes down to the heart, the question remained, how does one enjoy the Lord? I've been thinking that God just simply enjoys it when I find joy in his creation and appreciate him... when I simply delight in who God is and find joy in my relationship with him. God didn't put me on this earth because he needs something from me. It's not like his plans will unravel if I can't continue to do things for him as I have been. Think about it... when I'm on the bike, God doesn't love me any less because I'm not doing ministry or something else for him. He loves me just as I am because he created me and he created this earth for me to enjoy, so when I'm out on the bike enjoying God's creation... just being his child (not a cancer patient trying to encourage those around me or a Youth Director trying to minister to teens)... when I'm just being his child, I think God loves it!

The epiphany I had was simply that God first wants me to BE with him before he wants me to DO things for him. Not that he wants me to check out of life to go on some mental ascent (again, my actions are important, as they are proof of my heart), but the "being" must come before the "doing". I know myself... when I put it the other way around, it all goes cockeyed! I start doing all sorts of things in my own strength and I start to sacrifice my relationship with God for a job serving him. That certainly isn't what any good father would want for his children! So I'm learning that this is a different season for me. God is forcing me to go from "doing" to just "being".

It's a real paradigm shift for me, but it's driving me deeper in my understanding of God and my faith in him... and for that I'm thankful.

Dayeinu

2009-04-24T11:29:00.004-04:00

This whole situation has been an emotional roller coaster ride from the start. I’ve been up and down and all over the place, but that’s to be expected. Some days I feel perfectly normal. Some days I feel completely defective. Some days I’m confident that I’ll see total victory in good time. Some days I feel like I’ll never overcome this. Some days my faith is strong. Some days it’s weak. It’s a tough journey in a lot of ways and it’s easy to be overwhelmed by all the negatives and forget the positives.

Take, for example, my current struggle with the amount of debt I’m incurring. If you boil it down to bare bones, it feels like I’ve only got two options ahead of me: either I don’t make it out of this alive… or I come out of it with my health intact and the bonus of tons of debt in tow. Though I don’t begrudge heaven, I’m not sure I’m ready to welcome either of those choices at this point in my life. I still have a lot of living I'd like to do!

Of course, I realize that I’m forgetting that there is a door number three in that scenario. God is just as much the Great Financier as he is the Great Physician. He is powerful enough to take care of both my physical and financial needs in ways I may never expect. Besides, if I say that I trust him, I must trust him in every single area of my life. If I say that I trust him, but I hold back on one part, then I don’t really trust him at all. So, the question becomes… do I really trust him? Can I be satisfied with whatever comes my way knowing that God, according to his sovereign will, has allowed it?

A good friend recently reminded me of a Hebrew song that I learned at a Seder once. It’s been ringing in my ears ever since we talked about it. It’s a great reminder of the many wonderful things God did for his people in the Old Testament… and it’s exactly what I needed to realign my perspective. It’s called Dayeinu (pronounced Die-ay-noo).

Translated from Hebrew, portions of the song go a little like this:

If he had only brought us out of Egypt…
If he had only split the sea for us…
If he had only led us through on dry land…

Dayeinu!

If he had only drowned our oppressors…
If he had only provided for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years…
If he had only fed us manna…

Dayeinu!

If he had only given us the Sabbath…
If he had only given us the Torah…
If he had only brought us into the Land of Israel…

Dayeinu!

So, what does dayeinu mean? “It would have sufficed” or “It would have been enough.”

Soak that in for a moment or two. If God had only done the bare minimum for us, it would have been enough. Not only would it have been enough, but we would have more than enough to be thankful for. God is not obligated to make life easy for us and still he delights in blessing us in so many ways.

This is the shift in perspective that I so desperately needed:

If God had only saved me…
If he had only secured my eternal fate…
If I had to crawl on my hands and knees through the rest of this life to get there…

DAYEINU! It would have been enough!

But that’s not all God has done for me. I've already been given far more than I deserve. I’ve been blessed in so many ways. He has provided for me unexpectedly more times that I can count. Oh me of little faith! Why do I so easily lose that perspective? I forget how much God has done for me, how many times he has proven his faithfulness to me. Why would I not hope in faith that he will work in amazing ways through this situation, too? He is certainly not obligated to fix every problem I encounter, yet time and time again, he chooses to do far more for me than I deserve.

God is so good! He is far more faithful to me than I am to him. In response to his faithfulness to me, I am determined to do my best to not let my attitude get skewed by my finite perspective. Rather, I will choose to hope in faith that God will continue to provide as he has so many other times in my life. So, my attitude of choice for today – focus on the positive, not the negative. Dayeinu!

Let me share with you a brief list of the positives that God has blessed me with recently:

1) I just found out that my next treatment will NOT be postponed… dayeinu!

2) I also found out that my liver is functioning well enough again that we don’t have to lower my chemo dosage for this treatment… dayeinu!

3) I learned that the mass in my uterus has shrunken yet again by about ½ to 1 cm… not as much as I had hoped, but dayeinu!

4) I just got connected with a financial counselor at St. Luke’s who will help walk me through the process of applying for medical assistance, seeing if there are other assistance options out there for me, and dealing with the hospital billing departments if any issues arise… dayeinu!

5) I learned that if I’m declined for medical assistance, St. Luke’s might still be able to help me at least a little bit with their Charity Care… dayeinu!

6) I found out that part of the amount that I thought I had due in current bills may not have yet been processed by my insurance company, so it could still be lowered at least by a little bit… dayeinu!

7) And last (but by no means least), thanks to some very caring friends, my bike is back on the road and the weather looks good for the weekend… dayeinu!

How Comforters are Created

2009-04-22T18:28:00.009-04:00

God's got a real sense of humor... or maybe it's just irony.

I was just starting to feel like I was coming out of my slump of sadness when I managed to pick up a nasty bit of a cold this week. I felt absolutely miserable all day yesterday and have been concerned that this cold might have wiped out my white blood cell count enough to force my doctor to postpone my next treatment, which is scheduled for this upcoming Monday and Tuesday.

Please pray that my treatment doesn't have to be postponed!!!

Thankfully, this morning I woke up feeling a little bit better... and then I got a phone call about bills. You see, the elders have very graciously offered to handle all the back and forth work of calling my insurance company and the billing agents for me to determine exactly what amounts are being covered by insurance and what amounts are my responsibility. Those bills upset me so much, so I'm really thankful for their help in this area! However, the thing is - I've been working hard over the past couple years toward being debt free and I was just starting to see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel when I got my diagnosis and had to accept the fact that I'm going to be snowballing debt like mad through this process. Well, today was the first real proof of that. I was informed that I have over $8,000 in current bills due (that's after my insurance company has paid their part) and I've got $27,000 more already in process... and I'm not even half way through the first step of my treatment! Obviously, I'm quickly racking up a lot of debt! Now, I know we're not supposed to worry and we're supposed to trust that God will provide (he did promise that many times throughout Scripture), but all this was still tough for me to swallow. It's not that I didn't know it was coming; it's just that the financial end of this whole ordeal is just as much of a test of my faith as the physical end for me, if not more!

So, here I sat this morning, feeling sick and worrying about finances as the clock ticked away reminding me that I had committed to sharing my testimony at the nursing home this afternoon. I thought seriously for a while about calling my friend and backing out. How was I supposed to minister to and encourage others when I'm feeling so low myself??? I finally decided that, even if it killed me and I made no impact at all, I had to remain faithful and keep my word to serve the Lord in this way. I was going if it was the last thing I would do today!

I showed up at the nursing home not feeling at all like ministering when the music started. Wouldn't you know all the songs were about trusting God through trials and about how Jesus is there for us when we are suffering. It was all I could do to choke back the tears in front of the ten or so seniors sitting in front of me!

Then I it was time for me to share... I thought I would be able to shut down my emotions and get through it without much thought, but that quickly proved to not be the case. I started to choke up again at my first mention of cancer. I was able to pull it together and made it through to the end of my testimony, where I encouraged the residents to trust God's promises and rejoice in their suffering (of course, I was preaching more to myself than anyone else in the room).

Within a few short minutes of finishing, one of the nurses approached me with tears in her eyes. She said I just had to go and visit one of the residents who has been going through radiation and is about to lose her hair. She looked me in the eyes and told me that I would be such an encouragement to her... if she only knew!!! I was a wreck inside myself and here I find myself smiling on the outside and saying, "Sure, I'd love to! Show me the way." Before she turned around to lead me to the lady's room, she said something simple and profound, "I'm sure God will give you the words you need."

Wasn't that the truth! I think I received as much encouragement (or maybe even more) from this precious resident and her husband than I gave them. We talked for a few minutes and prayed together before I left the nursing home altogether. As I walked out the doors alone (because everyone else had already scattered by then), I was reminded of a passage I had read weeks ago:

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 ~

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

Here's the obvious - Paul praises God for giving us the comfort we need as we go through our troubles. Then he turns that right around and challenges us to take that very comfort we have received and use it to comfort others who are struggling. We are promised that in Christ, our comfort will overflow.

Makes sense... that's a passage I've leaned on many times before as I served the Lord. As God allows me to go through difficulties, I learn to use those experiences to minister to others with the love of Christ.

However, in this passage, we can learn just as much from what's not there as we can from what is there. Paul never says, "When you have gotten through your troubles and are feeling much better, you will be able to comfort others with the comfort you received from God." Go ahead... re-read it. I dare you to find that in there! It's just not! No, instead we see only the challenge to help others with the comfort we have received. There is no time frame given to us. We are simply to comfort others out of the comfort we have received from God whenever the opportunity arises!

Later on in 2 Corinthians12:7-10, Paul develops this idea even more:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Do you see it more clearly there? It is in our weakness that Christ's power rests on us in the most prevalent ways. Truly, when we are weak, then we are strong because it is God working through us, not us working in our own strength!

I learned that I do not have to wait until I am through my trials to help others. I'm simply called to be available... whenever I may be needed... in times of joy or suffering... whether I feel able or not. In fact, I think it helps me all the more when, in the midst of my own struggle, I place my focus on the needs of others and remind them of God's great promises and truths. Turns out, I'm not only reminding them - I'm reminding me, too!

So, what are you going through today? Has God called you to comfort someone else, even in the midst of your trial? Step out and do it... like me, you might just be surprised by the results!

When the Tears Fall

2009-04-16T10:35:00.004-04:00

It's been a rough week. It's nothing that's not normal, but I've had a hard time the past few days finding hope and joy in the midst of all that's going on in my life right now. I just feel enveloped with sadness and I'm having a tough time seeing the forest for the trees at the moment.

So, today, I simply leave you with a song that has been my determination through all these emotions:

When the Tears Fall
by The Newsboys

I've had questions without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
But there’s one thing that I’ll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you’re true

When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, you’ll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender for ever more

When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, you’ll be the song within my heart

And I will praise you, I will praise you
When the tears fall, still I will sing to you
And I will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffering, still I will sing

When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, you’ll be the song within my heart

You’re my spring of living water...
In the lone hour, you are there...
Lord in my sorrow, you are there...
You are my healer...

Not My Will

2009-04-14T19:34:00.008-04:00

Apparently, I can talk a good talk...

Can't we all? I just had a friend tell me that she admires the strength with which I'm facing this whole situation I've found myself in. Me, strong? I don't feel strong... and most of all not this week!

The days following treatment are difficult for me. It's just a matter of bearing down and getting through the symptoms and side effects that come with the cocktail of medicines that were just pumped into my body. The problem is, it's not just difficult physically. The days following treatment are also the hardest emotionally. They're the days when I inevitably wake up praying, "Why do I have to have cancer? I don't want this. I'm ready for my miracle healing now, thank you!"

On top of that, this past week I was really bummed to realize that Easter would come the weekend immediately following my second treatment. Easter is my favorite holiday. I appreciate the solemn reflection of Good Friday and I so love the beautiful reminders of the risen Savior embedded in our Sunday worship. Yet, this year with Easter coming right on the heels of a treatment for me, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to make it to church for my favorite holiday!

Well, I made it... but it was emotional to say the least. I'm glad I was there, though. I was reminded of something I needed to hear. On Friday night, I was reminded of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. The night he was to be arrested, the night before his crucifixion, he went to the solitude of Gethsemane to talk to his heavenly father. He doesn't say much, but what he did say speaks volumes. Jesus tells his disciples that his "soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death" (Matt. 26:38). Then he prays a simple prayer - just two sentences... "My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will" (Matt. 26:39).

I am utterly overwhelmed by this scene. Here is Jesus, the God-Man, facing the darkest hour of his humanity. He's overwhelmed with sorrow... yet he doesn't run away; he doesn't complain; he doesn't whine; he doesn't make excuses or try to come up with alternative plans. He simply prays in bold honesty, "Father, I don't want this. Can't you take it away or change it? No? Well then, may your will be done... not mine."

There are things in each of our lives that we wish we could just bypass. No one wants to go through difficulty and heartbreak. No one gets excited over suffering. I certainly wish I didn't have cancer. Yet, I am so thankful that God gives us a glimpse into Jesus' dark hour... because in that small glimpse, I can find peace in the midst of my dark post-treatment hours.

The writer of Hebrews tells us that "we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin" (4:15). Jesus gets the pain in our lives. He gets it when we feel like we can't handle the struggle anymore. He gets it when we want to give up... or at least see what's behind door number three!

I love what Jesus did with his dark hour. Did you catch it? It all lies in one tiny, but profound sentence... "Yet, not as I will, but as you will." They're ten little words that change the trajectory of my heart. Jesus faced a trial greater than anything any of us could ever face... and he submitted to God's plan. He dreaded what was ahead, yet he was perfectly obedient to his father's will.

Considering how I felt all this past week, I was having a hard time with that... until Sunday morning, that is. On Sunday morning, I was reminded of the end of the story. On Sunday morning, I was reminded that God had a far greater plan for Jesus' darkest hour. On Friday, all seemed lost when Jesus died. Yet on Sunday, all victory was won when he conquered the grave and rose again!

"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?'" ~ 1 Corinthians 15:54-55

I found myself sitting in church on Sunday morning in tears as I was reminded that no matter how tough the days of this life may become, I have victory in Christ. No matter how bad I feel, no matter what may happen in the future, even death does not have victory over me because my life is hidden in my risen Savior.

Rest assured, God has a greater plan and purpose for even the darkest hours of our lives. So I ask... Where, O cancer, is your victory? Where, O cancer, is your sting? It may seem as if it has overcome me, especially right after treatment, but my victory was won long ago in a garden called Gethsemane and on a hill called Golgotha.

With that renewed perspective, the real question then becomes what will my prayer be as I live out the rest of my days here on this earth? My hope is to imitate my Savior and pray, "Yet not as I will, but as you will."

It is in that simple prayer that victory is won over even the darkest hours of our lives!

What Makes a Woman?

2009-04-07T08:05:00.013-04:00

I finally did it.... I shaved my head on Sunday.

Like I said in my last post, when I went to see my doctor on Thursday, he was surprised to see that I still had a full head of hair. If I believed in jinxes, I'd definitely say that he jinxed me because two days after he made that comment, my hair started falling out in mass! I know many of you who saw me on Sunday morning would be surprised that I decided to shave off what looked like a full head of hair.... It was just too emotional to stand in the shower two mornings in a row and pull out handfuls and handfuls of hair. I even had to blow dry my hair while standing in the tub because so much was flying out! Two days of being upset in the morning and having to take extra time to do "hair clean up" after getting ready for the day (plus some great friends who promised to make the experience as painless as possible) was enough to convince me to take the leap. Besides, I knew that I wouldn't feel up to doing it this week right after treatment... and I knew that continuing to lose my hair so quickly would only compound how miserable I'll be feeling. So, after much struggling and deliberation, I finally decided to do the inevitable... and I found myself choking back the tears as I faced the clippers.

It turned out to not be that bad at all, though... I can't tell you how thankful I am for my friends who helped to actually make the experience fun in the end. They thought of every detail... from covering up the mirrors, to vacuuming all the hair off the floor before I could even see it, to making a "bald is beautiful" sign for me, to documenting the whole thing for future laughs, to simply smiling and joking with me through it. To those friends... saying thank you just doesn't seem to cover it. You may never know just what a blessing you were to me on Sunday! You helped me through a huge hurdle in this journey.

Now, here's the thing... I've never considered myself a vain person or even a girly-girl. In fact, I could probably be considered more of a tomboy than anything else. So, the emotions that came with the prospect of losing my hair were a real surprise to me. I found myself wanting to hold onto it as long as possible as fears and questions rampaged through my mind. Would I look ugly? Would I look even fatter than I already do? Would I look hyper-masculine? Would I look sick? Right up to a couple hours before actually doing it, I was still really wrestling with the decision. However, while praying during the Lord's Supper, though, a verse came to mind...

Matthew 16:24 ~ "Then Jesus told his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

The thought dawned on me, "What if Jesus were to ask me to take up my cross and follow him... and what if he said that the cross I would have to bear would be shaving my head? Would I do it then?" Almost immediately, I thought, "Yes... at least I sure hope I would!" So what's the difference? That stumped me for a minute, but then I realized something critical. If Jesus asked me directly to lose my hair, I'd do it willingly because it would clearly be for him; it would clearly be something positive. Yet, in my mind, to lose my hair as a result of chemotherapy points to something negative. It points to the fact that there is something wrong in my body. It points to the fact that I'm very sick (even though I don't feel sick). To lose my hair as a symptom of chemotherapy makes me feel like I'm succumbing to the disease of cancer! But is that really the case? Is it rather that this is just a part of the journey and another opportunity to trust God even more and learn even deeper truths of who I am, who he is, and how he cares for me? Hmm...

That brings me back to wondering - why did this hurdle bother me so much? It forced me to think again about vanity. Like I said, I've never considered myself a vain person or a girly-girl. I don't spend a lot of time trying to make myself look prettier and I don't worry a whole lot about fashion, etc. So, why would the prospect of being bald make me falter so? I had to ask a question I didn't want to... Is there more vanity in my heart than I realize? As that question arose in my heart, God immediately brought me to another Scripture -

1 Peter 3:3-4 ~ "Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothes - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Wow! I've read that verse many times... I've even taught on it numerous times! But somehow in the midst of this hurdle, it hit me like never before. Even though I don't think I'm a vain person, I had to admit to myself and God that there really is some hidden vanity in my heart. It's right there, I just never saw it before. Truly, the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9)!

There's something inherent in all women. To some degree, beauty is important to us! I don't know a single woman who doesn't want to look good. Now, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing in and of itself. The issue is - where are we placing our hope and trust? Really think about it. I honestly didn't think I was trusting in my appearance to any degree, but obviously there was some hidden vanity in my heart that needed to be dealt with. So, I challenge you ladies to examine your hearts.... If to any degree (no matter how small), we find our value in our appearance or rest in our beauty to get what we desire, there's something seriously wrong!

"Charm is fleeting, and beauty is in vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." ~ Proverbs 31:30

As I sit here typing with my newly bald head, I'm coming to a new understanding of beauty. I'm realizing that my countenance, not my hair or my clothes, is what makes me beautiful... and that countenance comes from within. As absolutely silly as I think I look, I'm realizing that my inner beauty can outshine the shiniest of bald heads if I just find my joy in the Lord and let his Spirit flow through me during this crazy time in my life!

News from the Doctor's Office

2009-04-02T13:22:00.003-04:00

I went in today to get a physical examination and have my pre-chemo blood work done... both with the hopes of being given a clean bill of health, so I can get on to Round #2 on Monday. Since I'm feeling well, I figured this would be a pretty mundane morning. It turned out to be monumental!

I learned from the doctor that my white blood cell counts were lowered significantly from my first treatment. He said that they were low enough that if I had caught anything, I would have landed in the hospital. (A note to my Youth Group kids - this is why I've been avoiding hugs!) Praise God that I didn't pick anything up! To prevent from anything like that happening, I now have to make my way down to St. Luke's the day after I come home from treatment to get a shot to help boost my white blood cell count. They're also going to give me some additional anti-nausea meds while I'm there... every little bit will help.

My first gift this morning was little and it came when the doctor walked in the room and commented on my full head of hair. Apparently, he was expecting a bald Heather. He was surprised that my hair loss has been so gradual (at least so far). That little gift, by the way, gave me the ability to get my soon-to-be-expired license photo taken this week. Now I don't have to look at a bald picture of myself for the next four years! Thank you, Lord, for those little blessings!

The second gift was even better and not so little. Since last week, my pelvic pain has decreased significantly. I'm on less than half the amount of pain relievers I was using before; I'm no longer attached to my heating pad; I can sleep through the night now; and I'm getting along quite well throughout the day. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help but think that maybe this meant that the treatment was already working. One of my doctor's assistants told me that it certainly could mean that, but she didn't want me getting my hopes up because they usually don't see any changes until after at least a few treatments. Well, today I got the official word...

My doctor told me that the mass in my uterus has decreased in size significantly! In his initial examinations, he measured it at 12 cm. Now, it's down to 8 cm!!! That's a third of the original size! He used words like significant and notable and then he said this... "Let me put this in perspective for you, Heather. We just don't see changes like this after only one treatment." He didn't say it's unusual. He didn't even say it's rare. He said they don't see things like that! God gets all the praise for this one. I'm counting it as my little miracle along the way.

So, the news gets even better - According to my doctor, if they can measure one mass, they will use that as a marker for the rest of the cancer throughout the body. I can safely hope that the treatments are having similar effects on the distant sites in my lungs and kidney, too! We won't know for sure until after my PET/CT scan in May, but this is such an encouragement to me. It definitely makes the prospect of my upcoming treatments easier to take. My doctor also said he is hopeful that we will continue to make good progress with each treatment, so please keep praying that God uses these treatments to miraculously rid me of all the cancer.

Now... as a side note, I was informed today that my pathology results came in from my surgery and I am now being considered a uterine cancer case again. Because of my age and the way it has spread, my oncologist originally labeled me as a cervical cancer case. Now, he is sure that it had its origin in my uterus. He said that it's highly unusual for someone as young as me to have uterine cancer, but this doesn't change my prognosis or treatment plan. It just changes the label. It's simply a matter of symantics, except for the fact that uterine cancer tends to respond to treatment a little bit better than cervical cancer (again, another little piece of unexpected good news).

So, on this monumental day of small (and not-so-small) praises, I'm just overwhelmed with thanksgiving for God's faithfulness through this journey. I've been praying right along... and tons of people have been praying on my behalf. Yet, I didn't assume that I would receive such solid encouragement so early on! God is good and I'm amazed at how willing he is to work on our behalf when we trust in him!

~~~~~~~

One final note... a good friend informed me that my six-day silence after my first treatment was a little unnerving. Unfortunately, I was just incapable of sitting at the computer with all the symptoms I was dealing with. So, in honor of my friend, let me give you an advanced warning:

I'm going into the hospital on Monday morning, the 6th, to start my second treatment. I'll be returning home on Tuesday evening, the 7th. For that next week, I'll be out of commission as I wade through the symptoms I'll be facing from the chemo meds. If you don't hear from me, just know that I'm alright. I just need to get through that time on my own.

There are so many people who have offered to help in so many ways and I want each of you to know what a blessing it is to me to know that I can call on you when I have a need. The problem is... when I'm really feeling bad, there's nothing anyone can do (and to be honest, I can't even fathom having anyone around for that time). Then when I'm beginning to feel better, I need to be up and about as best as I can (doctor's orders). Unfortunately, that leaves precious little that anyone can do to really be of help to me in a practical way through these treatments. The biggest thing you can continue to do is go to the throne room of God and pray on my behalf. Beyond that, I'll be sure to let each of you who has offered to help know when a need arises. Just don't feel like you're somehow out of the loop... because you're not! :o)

A Matter of Choice

2009-03-29T21:14:00.005-04:00

I bet you can guess the one person from Scripture I've been thinking a lot about over the past month...

You got it! JOB.

His story is pretty fascinating (depressing, but fascinating none the less). Here's a guy who lost everything, I mean... everything! He lost all his livestock - his oxen, his donkeys, his sheep, and his camels; he lost his servants... that's all his livelihood. He lost his sons; he lost his daughters; he even lost his health! He got painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. The only thing he didn't lose was his nagging wife and his judgmental friends. Can you imagine? What a bad week!

I can't help but empathize with Job. He's a guy who's just doing his best to serve the Lord and then... wham! life takes a completely unexpected detour. He's hit with pain like he's never experienced before and I can't imagine that he didn't have a million questions for God in the process. His head must have been spinning! Then, on top of it all, his wife tells him that he should just curse God and die, and his friends are convinced that he must have sinned to deserve such punishment from the Lord. I mean, wasn't he already beaten down enough by his circumstances?

Yet, Job did the unexpected (or maybe it's better stated - he didn't do the expected). Job 1:22 says, "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." Then in 2:10, he goes on to say something utterly profound... "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" That single question hit me like a ton of bricks. Will I soak up all the good God has for me, but then shake my fist and rail against him when trouble comes? May it never be!

Beyond that one life-shaping question, there are some important things I've learned from my partner in suffering, Job. First of all, as the readers of this tale, we have a distinct insight into the back-story. We see Satan going before the Lord. We see God almost bragging to him about Job's righteousness and we see God giving Satan permission to bring demise to Job as a test of his faithfulness. The one thing I never really recognized before this is that Job is not given that same insight. In fact, through fourty-two chapters, he's never given that insight! Job just finds himself square in the middle of unforseen and inexplicable circumstances. He finds his world rocked by pain and loss, and he's never given the answer why. Yet, through it all, he does not sin. In fact, he worships God in the midst of his anguish!

How does he do it? I mean, did he not have any feelings or doubts? Was he some kind of super-believer or something? I don't think so. I think Job was an everyday kind of guy with feelings, doubts, dreams and fears... just like the rest of us. Job was a man who made a choice. He was faced with suffering like few people have ever known and he made a choice. He chose to remain faithful to God.

In the midst of my own trial, I've come to realize that I am who I am based on my choices alone. I can choose to be angry about my circumstances; I can choose to let them bring me down and be depressed; just as well, I can choose to thank God for all things in my life - good and bad; and I can choose to remain faithful and worship him. I never realized before this how much of my faith really comes down to a matter of my will. In every circumstance I face, whether good or bad, I choose how I will respond to it. So, in this circumstance, I choose to keep my focus on my God. I choose in faith to believe that he's working something greater through this. I choose to worship him in the midst of my suffering.

What about you? Every one of us faces trials. Every one of us has some kind of difficult circumstance in our life. What will you choose in the midst of it?

From Out of a Very Dark Place

2009-03-27T23:39:00.007-04:00

Well, it's been a while since I've written... and with good reason -

As I said before, my treatment in the hospital went very well... easy in fact, which, I learned, was to be expected. In the days following, I went on quite a ride while the chemo meds coursed through my system. I started out feeling tired like I had been on an all-nighter with my youth group kids. After sleeping, I awoke to feel not rested, but even more exhausted like I had been on a month-long marathon youth event! Then there were the three days of really feeling it... nausea, migraine, dizziness, flu-like symptoms, etc. I can't remember a time when I felt worse in my life! Needless to say, it was not a pleasant week for me. However, every day since I have very gradually felt better and better and I was told that, all in all, I tolerated treatment very well. I'm sure I'll be feeling right back to my old self again just before I head back in for round two on Monday, April 6th!

During this difficult time, I was reminded of a passage that has comforted me in the past - Romans 5:1-5:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Those of us who have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ stand in a unique position of grace. We have the privilege from this position to understand at least a bit of the end result of our suffering. As we go through suffering, it produces in us perseverance. That perseverance produces character, and as our character is developed, it produces hope... a hope that understands that suffering is never in vain because God is at work molding us through it.

I've only ever looked at this development of hope in us in terms of emotional trials. I've never been in a position in which I've had to trust God through such a dark time physically. How do you rejoice in suffering when you feel so absolutely miserable?

There's something that pain does to us spiritually. It has a uniqe way of robbing us of all the frills and non-necessities that we stuff between ourselves and God. When we're stripped of all that we naturally depend on or take for granted, the only hope we have is to turn to God to get through it... and the awesome thing is, he's always there for us when we finally do turn to him! Believe me, there were moments throughout this past week when I felt the presence of God so tangibly that I almost thought I could reach out and touch him sitting next to me on the couch. And as I waited for my symptoms to subside, I had time to contemplate the purpose of suffering in my life. Would I accept it willingly? Would I learn from it all that God wanted me to? Or would I take it begrudgingly and miss the valuable lessons hidden within the pain?

Far too often, I find myself only looking at the surface of the difficult circumstances in my life. I whine and complain because I don't want to go through the pain of tough times... if only I would look closer, I would see! I'm learning that suffering is a privilege. Yes, you read that right... suffering is a privilege! You see, I know myself well enough to know that I'm far too stubborn and hard-headed to become the person I'm meant to be without the sharp pain that suffering brings. Only then, do I get stripped of all that clouds my vision. Only then, do I seem to truly place my focus and faith squarely on God and nothing else. Only then, do I begin to look hard for what he is trying to shape within me. Suffering reminds me that God is hard at work doing something far greater in my life than what I tend to spend my energy on!

Now of course, no one signs up willingly for suffering... yet, we can still rejoice when difficult times hit because we know that God can use our suffering to make us just a little more like the kind of people he longs for us to be - the kind of people who reflect him a bit more with each passing day.

Update from Room 625

2009-03-16T19:13:00.010-04:00

I just wanted to let you know how treatment's going now that I'm finally settled in my hospital room...

Well, praise the Lord -- another couple of unexpected "yeses" came my way today! As it turns out, the first big drop of this coaster ride wasn't as bad as I had imagined it to be after all (at least so far... we're still not done yet)! Isn't it crazy how often we get unnecessarily anxious over that which God can... and wants to... take care of for us?

So far, so good! This morning, I started by receiving a bunch of anti-nausea medications along with Benadryl. Immediately following, they started giving me my 24-hour chemotherapy medication. It's a smaller dose spanned out over a long time, so I've had very little (as in almost zero) nauseousness from it. I was tired for a while as the Benadryl wore off, but other than that... I feel pretty good right now! So join me in praising God for this tremendous gift!

In addition, I realized today how often I completely miss the "little" gifts and and mercies God blesses me with every day. As I sat (for hours) in the Infusion Center waiting for a room to open up for me, I saw two people who had recently had the same port implanted as I did. Both of them had complications and had to postpone their treatment. I didn't even think to thank God that everything went so smoothly with my new port when we accessed it this morning with no problems at all! I certainly did later, though! Have you had anything like that happen in your life today? Did you miss a gift from God in the moment? If so, you've still got time to stop and thank the Lord for how good he is to you! Go ahead, do it now... I'll still be here.

Glad you're back! Now, let's continue with my treatment update:

When my current medication is completed tomorrow, they will give me another round of anti-nausea medications and Benadry. Then, I will get a 1-hour dose of another chemotherapy medication. That one might pack more of a punch because the dosage is higher and faster, so please pray that my physical symptoms aren't bad from that one.

Once I'm through with that medication, I'll be sent home to wait out the next week to ten days to see how I'm affected by all these medications (again, more lessons in patience and trust). I might have nausea; I'll definitely be exhausted; and my hair will begin to fall out in clumps... but I am confident that God will get me through it -- no matter how physically difficult it is!

"As for God, his way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield to all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord and who is the Rock aside from our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." ~Psalm 18:30-32

The Dreaded Top of the Hill

2009-03-16T00:32:00.004-04:00

It's the night before my first chemo treatment and I can't sleep. I've got a familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach - one I've never been very fond of.

You know the feeling... you've been having a blast all day at an amusement park with friends, riding the rides and laughing as everything whizzes by you in a blur. Then, somehow, your friends talk you into going on the biggest, scariest-looking roller coaster in the whole park. Against your better judgment, you strap in and silently pray for your life as the ride begins to move... slowly at first. You hear chains clank beneath you as the coaster is pulled up what can only be the tallest metal hill known to mankind, all the while more and more atmosphere is separating you from the precious ground below. Your palms sweat and you find yourself praying again, this time that the engineers really did know what they were doing when they put this crazy contraption together. The long, slow haul up is bad enough, but it's not the worst part. The worst part is that lingering moment at the top of the hill. That moment when you're staring straight down the dreaded first drop wondering just how bad it's going to be. It's that moment you're no longer under the control of anything but gravity, which is about to kick in... and fast. This is one scary moment!

I think it's the anticipation that gets me so anxious every time. It's a taunting moment when you're just lingering there at the top thinking how bad this is going to be and knowing there's no way out of it now. All you can do is wait for your stomach to drop out and your heart to race as you begin to experience gravity in all its glory. Now, I consider myself a bit of a roller coaster fan... but no matter how great the ride is, I've (obviously) never been a fan of that first drop. I much more enjoy the twists, turns, and loops afterwards. The problem is, you can't get through any of those if you don't commit to that first drop!

That's where I find myself tonight - at the top of my first big hill. I'm locked into this crazy ride of chemotherapy... wishing I could get out of it, but knowing it's inevitable. How sick am I going to feel? How much pain will I be in? How bad will the exhaustion be? There are butterflies in my stomach and I'm doing everything I can to keep myself distracted from obsessing over how bad this ride might be. The more the anxiety builds in me, the more I'm reminded of Philippians 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God."

Sometimes I wish there was an exclusion clause in passages like that. Wouldn't it be nice if Paul had said something more like, "Do not be anxious about anything... except, of course, when you face marital problems, rebellious children, job loss, and chemotherapy!" That would make more sense (at least to me). There are certain things in life that just naturally make us anxious. It's a normal response in difficult situations. Yet, this verse is not a mere suggestion. It is a command - DO NOT be anxious for ANYTHING! That's a tall order if you ask me! Instead of getting overwhelmed and upset, when anxiety wells up within us, we are instructed to go to our knees. We are to bring all of those emotions, fears, doubts, and questions to God. Don't worry, he can handle it. Philippians 4:7 proves it. When we cast our anxiety on God, he promises something wonderful - "and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." What an amazing promise!

When we make the choice to let go of our anxiety and cling to Jesus, he can do something miraculous in our hearts. He can replace our anxiety with peace in the craziest of circumstances.... and not just any peace - a peace that makes no human sense! That is, by far, one of my favorite promises of Scripture (and, boy, am I clinging to it tonight). I can't explain it. It's a supernatural thing. All I know is, whether I feel it or not in this moment, God is right here with me on this ride and he is going to see me through it... however rough it may be. Tonight, I'm praying for his peace that transcends all understanding - because that's the only kind of peace that's worth having in this type of situation.

Post-Surgery Update

2009-03-13T22:19:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to fill everyone in...

This past week was a rough week for me as I had to manage pain without Ibuprofen in preparation for surgery. However, the surgery went well today. The doctor was able to implant the port with no complications. He also did a thorough exam and found out that my reproductive organs are full with cancer (not that this is new news really, but it certainly explains the amount of pain I've been dealing with). The good news is that he also checked my colon and bladder and found no signs of cancer there. Finally, I feel like I've gotten one "yes" to my prayers!

I have to admit that I've been hesitant to be hopeful for any positive answers to prayer because I seemed to keep getting so many "no's" all along. Yet, today, we finally got a bit of good news officially confirmed. I'm not a superstitious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I can't help but think that maybe my willingness to stare superstition in the face and have surgery done on Friday the 13th was good for my morale. Hopefully this one little "yes" will be the beginning of an onslaught of "yeses" as I proceed forward through treatment!

The doctor is eager to get my treatments started, so Monday is the big day. I'll be in the hospital from Monday morning until Tuesday evening and then I just have to see how the medicines affect me physically throughout the week. Please pray that my symptoms aren't too bad. Also, pray that I am able to manage my pain with reasonable measures - without having to take stronger medications. Finally, please pray that the chemotherapy is very affective and we begin to make some great progress on getting rid of the cancer in my body. Thanks so much for all your support! As I've said before, it's carrying me through!

On another note, I'm looking forward to sharing a bunch of devotional thoughts that have blessed me through this crazy journey so far... but for tonight, I'm still a bit groggy from the cocktail of drugs they gave me for surgery, so I'll leave you with this promise:

"How priceless is [God's] unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of [his] wings.... For with [him] is the fountain of life; in [his] light we see light." ~ Psalm 36:7, 9

Isn't it great to know that no matter how good or bad we feel about our circumstances, God is always there for us to love, protect, and guide us?

Update #1

2009-03-06T17:45:00.004-05:00

Many of you are interested in hearing the practical details of my progress. Because there's a whole network of people praying for me who aren't all connected in the same way, I wanted to find one general location that everyone can go to learn of my progress. This blog seems to be the best answer for that, so here's the first installment of what I'm sure will become an ongoing process of updates...

Though I was originally told by my gynecologist that I have endometrial cancer, I have now been officially labeled as a cervical cancer patient by my oncologist. Based on his physical examination and how my symptoms developed, he believes this is a more appropriate diagnosis. We may never know the exact origin of the cancer, but that won't affect how it's dealt with.

The biggest thing I was hoping for and many of you were praying for was that the cancer wouldn't have already spread beyond my pelvic region. However, after having a PET/CT Scan done on Monday, I met with my oncologist yesterday and learned that the cancer has spread beyond my pelvic region to my lungs and my right kidney. I have several small spots on both of my lungs (the largest of which is almost the size of a quarter on my right lung) and I have a small blockage in my right kidney. It's most likely that it spread through my lymphatic system. Who would've thought?!? I've felt perfectly healthy other than the pelvic pain I've been experiencing over the past few months!

Additionally, because the cancer has traveled out of my pelvic region, it's now officially labeled as stage 4 cervical cancer. Now, for those of you who will go online and look up the statistics, let me warn you: it's not pretty! The five-year survival rate for this type of cancer that has spread to this extent is only 15-20%... BUT my doctor reassured me that, though we have to appreciate the statistics for the reality they present, we also have to keep in mind that they span every case, which would include women who are much older and women who have underlying medical conditions. I am young and otherwise very healthy, so my doctor keeps telling me that they're going to get me through this... so THAT is what we must focus on!

So now what's next? Over the course of the next week, I've got a lot that I'll have to get in order and then the wheels start spinning and they won't be stopping for quite some time. I have an outpatient surgery scheduled for Friday, the 13th, to do more biopsies of my reproductive organs and to implant a port in my chest for chemotherapy (from what I'm told, the port will make the process of intaking the medications much, much easier). Then only a couple days later, I'm scheduled for my first chemo treatment on Monday, the 16th.

I'll be doing six treatments, one every three weeks for 4 1/2 to 5 months. After the third treatment, we'll do another PET/CT scan to see if the cancer is responding and receding.... and then another at the end of the six treatments. Our hope is to get it to clear up completely in the distant sites and then deal with treating my pelvis locally afterwards with radiation. Only after we make it to that point will we have any idea if I'll need to have a hysterectomy. All we can do is take it one step at a time. It's a real lesson in patience for me!

My doctor did say that we're behind the eight ball and I'm in for a rough five months, as the treatments he's going to be giving me will be very aggressive. For each treatment, I'll be given two different types of chemo medication and I'll be in the hospital overnight... and then I'll be dealing with two to four days of nausea, a week to ten days of exhaustion, and possible numbness or tingling in my hands and feet after each treatment. Also (and here's the icing on the cake), within five days of my very first treatment, I'm going to start losing my hair... all of it, eyebrows and eyelashes included! Needless to say, all of this information was a lot to take in and I'm still processing everything, but I'm continuing to go to God with my fears and concerns and trust his plan. It's daunting and at moments overwhelming, but I know my God is bigger than all this! Besides, I'm already strapped in and heading up the first hill of this rollercoaster ride. There's no backing out now, so what's the point of dwelling on the negatives? I might as well do my best to stay focused on what God is doing through all this and look for his amazing work, right?

Thank you so much for your continued prayers as I go through this journey. In the midst of a million emotions, they really are carrying me through! There's a part of me that's almost afraid to ask for more prayer because it feels like every answer I've received so far has been a no... but the fact is, "Prayer Changes Things!" Please pray that the cancer responds well to this cycle of chemotherapy and that we're able to get me back to full health with reasonable measures. I'm still hopeful that this doesn't have to drag on for a rediculously long time. You can also continue to pray for my strength, faith, and testimony through this experience. I know God uses trials like these to shape us and do things that we otherwise would not see him do. I'm trusting that he'll work through this in many ways... both in me and in the lives of my family, friends, church, and youth group. Thanks for joining me through this as we see what God is up to!

One Phone Call from Our Knees

2009-03-02T22:28:00.004-05:00

My life always seems to have a soundtrack running in the background. Music is somehow woven into every major event I've ever experienced... and this one is no different.

A little history first... Two summers ago, I lost my dog (who was like my four-legged, furry only child) to lymphoma. I was devastated at the prospect of losing her, but I was able to take her on one last vacation and we enjoyed walking on the beach and playing in the waves before she was too sick to do much of anything. On that trip, I happened to pick up a CD I had been wanting for some time... Mat Kearney's Nothing Left to Lose. As it turns out, Mat became one of my favorite artists as his songs, like Wait and In the Middle, ministered to my heart in one of the darkest times of my life. His was the only music I listened to through my time of depression after I lost her and somehow his lyrics saw me through to the other side where I was able to experience joy again.

Fast-forward to the present... Two days after I got my recent earth-shattering diagnosis of cancer, I happened to get a promotional email for Mat's new album, City of Black and White. I went to the website to check out his new single, Closer to Love, and these were the first words I heard coming through my computer:

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

Oh it's your light
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love...

How it is that this guy whom I've never met could speak so clearly to my immediate situation I cannot explain apart from the providence of God. There are two key thoughts that struck me to my core when I heard this song. They are as follows:

"I guess we're all one phone call from our knees"
How many days of my life have I spent completely oblivious to how fragile life really is? How few times have I stopped to thank God for all the wondrous little gifts he gives me each day? Far too many... and far too few. Most days we fritter away focused on all the things we think are so vitally important. We get upset about traffic jams, throw temper tantrums over difficult people in our lives, and worry away the hours trying to get that all-important project or issue taken care of. Meanwhile we're ignorant to how very unimportant all those things really are. In one phone call, my life was turned upside-down... and all of a sudden things began to come into sharp perspective. In one phone call, I was driven to my knees. In one phone call, I was rendered helpless to fix my own situation. In one phone call, I came face to face with the reality that only God is in control of my days and my destiny. It may not be a phone call for you. It may be something completely different... but rest assured, it will happen. Some day, you will be faced with the reality of how fragile life is. How will you respond when it happens?

"If every building falls and all the stars fade, we'll still be singing this song - the one they can't take away"
What is your response to difficult situations? Do you complain... get depressed... get angry at God? Do you praise him... look for him to work in new ways? Let's face it - when we're driven to our knees, it can be difficult to be positive. When all of life comes crashing down around us, it can be difficult to look up. Yet, the best posture to take when one is on one's knees is to do exactly that - look up. As a Christian, I am privileged to be able to stand amidst the rubble that is currently my life. I was so thankful to be reminded in this song that no matter how bad things get, I have a song to sing... and no one, nothing can take that away. Psalm 96:1-2 says, "Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth; sing to the Lord, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day." The fact is, no matter how bad things get in this life, it's only temporary! I have the promise of eternity with my heavenly Father.. and more than that, I have the promise that God is with me through it all right now. He is still in control and working all things for my good (Romans 8:28). It may not all make sense to me and I may not like some of the turns my life may take, but I still have a song in my heart... one that God put there and no one can take away from me! I have been saved from my sins, taken from death and given life (and a life that I don't deserve at that)! God is at work in and around me! That is a song that even cancer can't take away. Yes, no matter how difficult things may be, we can have a song to sing through it all! So... are you singing?

The Moment the World Stopped Spinning

2009-02-27T19:45:00.004-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days that seemed to be rolling along just fine and then all of a sudden... it happens? Something completely unexpected crashes into your perfectly normal world and forever changes it. Maybe it's a lost job... maybe a child in trouble... maybe a relationship in turmoil... whatever it is, it rocks your world and you're not quite sure how to handle it.

For me, it was a phone call. It was Monday, February 16, 2009... a day like any other. I was at a friend's house when my cell phone rang. I thought it was Edible Arrangements calling to check on a delivery address, but it turned out to be my doctor. I had just been through a surgery the previous week to take care of what we thought was a simple issue that had been causing me some significant pelvic pain. I was scheduled to meet with him that Thursday to go over the pathology results from some biopsies he had done. Since he was calling me so early in the week, I didn't even put any thought into it - I knew he was calling with the good news, "The results came back normal. You're just fine." Little did I know I was about to collide with the worst news of my life to date.

The doctor asked me to sit down. I knew this couldn't be good. He began explaining that the results came back and he had been reviewing them carefully. Then he started saying things that just didn't compute for me... "adenosquamous carcinoma," "every biopsy positive," "oncology consultation," "very serious," "make the appointment as soon as possible." Later I learned that the doctor could hear a pin drop on the other side of the phone after he told me the news. What did he expect? The world slowly ground to a halt and stopped spinning for a few seconds there... and when it started back up (because it always does inevitably), I really didn't want it to.

What do you do with that kind of news? How do you start back up again and move forward? What do you do when the very fabric of your life changes in one phone call? That's what my journey is about. It's about taking that first step forward into the unknown... and then taking another... and then another. It's about figuring out how to trust God and live faithfully in my biggest trial yet.

This blog will be filled with all sorts of things. It won't just be physical updates and prayer requests... though that will be an important part of what I share. It will be much more than that. God teaches us through all sorts of circumstances, especially our most difficult ones, and he sure has been teaching me a lot these days! So, this blog will be filled with Scripture and songs and devotional thoughts - all the things that God is using to work in my life through this journey. As I share, I encourage you to post your thoughts, prayers, and experiences - because God doesn't just use our circumstances to teach us... he uses those around us. Think of all the ways we can encourage growth in one another as we share our world-shaking moments together! May God bless you as you walk through this day trusting in him!